Mentally Oddcast Transcript: Alison Huff

 Wednesday

You are listening to The Mentally Oddcast, brought to you by sometimes hilarious horror magazine. Each week, your host, Wednesdayly Friday, will be talking with creators from many disciplines who live with mental illness, addiction, neurodivergence, and the impact of trauma. We'll discuss how their mental, physical, and emotional health impacts their creative goals, processes, and the things that they create. We hope we can assure all of you who live with these things that you are not alone and you can make art about it. Art helps.  Hey friends, you are listening to The Mentally Oddcast brought to you by sometimes hilarious horror. My name is Wednesday Leap Friday and I'm your host. This week we are talking to Allison Huff And Alison is an eclectic writer. She's an editor, Lapsang Tea enthusiast. She has a dog and I guess some kids and a husband, but like a dog, you guys. And ah and and she actually, like a lot of other women over 40, lives with symptoms that are easily recognizable now, but that have not been officially diagnosed. So I'd like to actually start with that and talk about how not being diagnosed because you were high functioning has has impacted you. So hi, Alison. Thanks for being here. 

Alison

Hi, Wednesday. um Thank you so much for inviting me. um I was really looking forward to it, and hopefully I don't screw it up, so thank you. 

Wednesday

We love screw-ups. See, I learned how to edit, so that's the whole reason I learned how to edit. So it's a useless skill if nobody screws up. 

Alison

That is perfect. 

Wednesday

Now I can speak from ah from my own experience of having like textbook ADHD, but because I made grades and could sit in my seat, it wasn't really considered a big problem. And I think that's pretty common. What is your experience with that? 

Alison

No, I have to agree. um I think especially for those of us who are, you know, in our later forties or beyond, you know, when we were in school, it was one of those things where if you were not having a problem or you weren't causing a problem, you were kind of overlooked, even if you were having struggles that you maybe didn't recognize at the time as being a potential problem or like a source of struggle, ah if that makes sense. um At least in my experience, um I had a lot of social issues when I was younger, especially. um that I think you kind of, almost as a way of surviving school, especially middle school and high school, you kind of have to learn how to figure it out and find a way to, um I don't want to say integrate or normalize yourself, but make it so you weren't standing out. 

Wednesday

I think, and don't quote me on this, but I think that's called ah like masking.Like where you basically just pretend you don't have a condition? 

Alison

I think, yeah, no, that makes sense. Yeah. It looks like, I think it is. A lot of times it was, it was like wearing a mask. It's like the the eye contact thing I had to work on. I hated it when people looked at me. I would not look people in the eyes. I had to teach myself to, or I don't want to say like force myself to, like I was forcing myself to to do this thing, but in order to, kind of mirror what other people were doing, I think, 

Wednesday

right 

Alison

is how i is how I would put it. 

Wednesday

I used to do some of that too. And it's interesting because I've always had an interest in true crime. And that's what sociopaths do. Sociopaths imitate behavior. So for the longest time, I was terrified that I was a sociopath.

Alison

I was too. Now you have this weird fascination with psychology and I don't know if you're like trying to figure out what's wrong with you or trying to figure out how other people work or if it's a combination of the two. But yeah, I had this horrible fear that I was either a sociopath, a psychopath. I thought I was agoraphobic for a while. um It's like I went through like all of these things when I was younger and just from being fascinated with psychology. And I would just read everything I could get my hands on, but you like try to, I don't know, not, not necessarily diagnose yourself, but understand yourself and understand other people.

Wednesday

yeah Well, and it I think, I mean, feeling misunderstood is one of my trigger issues. Like I get so frustrated. Like if I say something and someone doesn't like it, that's totally fine. I don't need everyone to agree with me. But if you're misunderstanding what I'm saying or misrepresenting it, oh, I just get shaking mad. And I'm sure that that's related to that. 

Alison

I think it probably is because you you do like on some level, and I know it gets easier as you get older because you find some semblance of confidence in yourself the older you get, especially once you hit 40. It's like you know just all of your fucks fly away and you know they probably never return, but especially when you're younger, you know it's like that is a source of struggle.

Wednesday

Did you ever find that you were reprimanded by teachers or or even like parents, family members, or or in church, whatever, because of things that you now recognize as symptoms? 

Alison

Um, not so much, but I also grew up in a house where, um, you know, paddling was commonplace and, you know, so I was like kind of tiptoeing around my dad all the time. I was very um walking on eggshells most of that time. um so it's i think that kind of like To give an example, you know if we would go out to certain parties or get togethers and things like that, other people's children were able to run around freely and just you know be kids. where like my brother and I were expected to sit and be quiet, otherwise we would get in trouble. So I don't know if that kind of shaped how I handled myself at school or around adults, especially teachers. I think a lot of times I was just terrified of getting in trouble. that I was very quiet. um I think, and that's probably like, people would that would think of me back in elementary school, especially, and even through middle school, that's probably how they would think of me, that quiet girl that didn't say much. 

Wednesday

Well, if i mean if misbehaving is not like corrected verbally and it's handled with violence, then yeah, obviously. 

Alison

Yeah, it gives you an incentive.

Wednesday

But like you have kids now and you don't that's that's not how you discipline your kids, as I understand it. 

Alison

No, no. um like actually no i think i I think I smacked my oldest on the butt one time and it was when she ran out into a parking lot. like And it was just one of those like gut instinct. You scared the crap out of me. Don't ever do it again. And I spanked her on the butt with my hand. That was like literally the only time um I've ever laid a hand on my kids, actually, now that I think about it. Wow. But I definitely... 

Wednesday

Oh, no, please. No, go ahead. 

Alison

No, I was just gonna say, it definitely um it definitely shapes Or at least it can shape how you parent your kids. um and Depending on how you were raised, I don't want to say you learn what not to do, but it definitely shapes what to do going forward. At least for some and definitely in my case. 

Wednesday

Yeah, I noticed that there seems to be. it doesn't seem like there's a lot of gray area. Now I don't have kids and yet I still have all sorts of opinions on how people should raise their kids, 

Alison

Oh absolutely.

Wednesday

um But what I noticed though, is that there are a lot of people who were hit as children, some excessively, some, you know, less excessively. And some of those people, Grow up and say I will never hit my child it is not an okay thing to do and they totally break that that pattern in that cycle and there are other people who will tell stories of Things that are very obviously abused You know, 

Alison

Right.

Wednesday

like my dad beat me with a belt and then made me sleep in the yard. You know, like what, what lesson is supposed to be learned from that? Like the lesson seems to be, don't make dad so mad. He hits you with a belt, but yeah really a life lesson. That's just your dad's an abusive monster and he'll beat you with a belt. 

Alison

Right.

Wednesday

But there are people that will just defend those behaviors by their parents. Like. You know, it I either I turned out fine or it made me a better person or it taught me respect and all these crazy like in my life, I've been hit an awful lot by different people. I was bullied. I had, you know, what one of my parents was crazy and And violence. So, ah but, but I cannot think of a time in my life when someone hit me and I said, wow, there is a person who is worthy of my respect. I'd better start respecting that person more, you know, because i mean that's not what we teach kids about hitting. When kids, when we see a kid hit someone else, we say, use your words. And the only time you're allowed officially to hit another kid is if they're bullying you and no one will help you and they don't stop.

Alison

Right. Yeah. i The way I look at it, especially as a parent, I remember how that felt. like I remember being on the receiving end. um and I won't go into too much detail because I might have family that listens to this, but um you know my dad did have a problem with alcohol, which did not help. and so It was one of those things where you could never predict. what person you were going to get that day or when it might change. And I just remember how that felt. And that was something that, you know, when I, when I found out I was pregnant um with my oldest, it was like, I was never going to put that my kids through that. I don't care how mad you make me um you know or how frustrated I get. I've had like my youngest daughter once when she was, oh gosh, 11 or 12, she got mad at me about something and she was like, fuck you. And I said, go to your room. And that was like it. And then like 15 minutes later I came downstairs and we talked about it, but that was you know There was no hitting, there was no screaming beyond the you know that little fight. I think I wouldn't let her go to a friend's house or something. It was like a school night or whatever. And it was really something very stupid. But um I don't know. I just remembered how that felt being the kid in that situation or on that side of the equation. And that was just always something that I was made sure to never do. 

Wednesday

Well, good news. because if you show empathy towards your child, it means you're not a sociopath. 

Alison

Right. Well, you know, that's a good sign, 

Wednesday

right? Because I actually I sat down with my therapist and this was not even that long ago, it was right before I got married. So I was in my, you know, mid to late 30s, I would say. um But I asked my therapist like, Hey, I think I'm a sociopath. And this is really worrying me. I don't, this is not what I want for my life. And she said to me, You do realize that a sociopath would never question whether or not they were a sociopath. And if they did, they wouldn't care. 

Alison

Right.

Wednesday

And I thought to myself, yes, but I already know that. So I, oh, no, i've I've tricked my therapist. I've tricked everyone into thinking I'm not a sociopath. Like, I was so sure that I was just fooling everyone. And that's, you know, I have i huge imposter syndrome. Huge. 

Alison

And I can relate.

Wednesday

I'll bet you can because you are one of those people that seems extremely together and like you always have all of your ducks in a row. And I thought that's not actually the case. 

Alison

Oh gosh, no, my ducks are everywhere. It's all a facade. No, it's I mean, you know, sometimes I'm on top of life or I feel like it at least, but no, most of the time I'm just kind of you know, hanging on by my fingernails and figuring it out and hoping for the best 

Wednesday

For any listeners who don't know, um Allison and I have worked together actually, we worked, she was my editor at women's health interactive where I did a lot of sex writing and sex toy reviews and that fantastic series on DIY Fleshlights. I'm so proud of it. 

Alison

I loved that series. I love it so much. 

Wednesday

It's so fun. And and you can see it on YouTube, by the way, that's Women's Health Interactive. um yeah but 

Alison

Yes, definitely go check it out. They they cannot be missed.

Wednesday

But um I think when it comes to like sex, is that, did we talk about sex writing? Is that okay? I don't think. 

Alison

Yeah, no, absolutely. um yeah No, i have no um I have no boundaries really. 

Wednesday

it It tends to be a field that the people who get into it are often neurodivergent people. um 

Alison

I didn't know that. 

Wednesday

Yeah, well, looking for work in the second industry, you meet like, i would I would actually guess like at least three fourths of the people that I that I speak to, either as fellow writers or editors or sources, even other reviewers, you know, I mean, 

Alison

yeah 

Wednesday

I don't want to call anyone out bad Bible.

Wednesday

but um Speaker But, but yeah, there are, and I think that that has a lot to do with like, telling societal expectations to go fuck themselves, which I think that in our current socio political climate, so many more people and so many more younger people are looking around and saying, you know, the way we do things is stupid. Let's go through these things one at a time. And that's I think what woke culture has become. I mean, it initially wokeness had to do specifically with institutional racism. And now it's tackling institutional sexism and homophobia and transphobia and everything. And man, boomers are losing their shit over it. 

Alison

It's a beautiful thing. 

Wednesday

Right. And I i like to think of the this sex work that we do and the writing that we do. Bringing information to people and talking about it unashamedly is a un sizable part of that. This whole idea, like people are so down on, you know, OnlyFans. Oh, how awful that women can do OnlyFans and make money with their body. Like, 

Alison

why not? 

Wednesday

Everyone makes money with their body. When I used to work at McDonald's, I would come home sore. My feet would hurt. I smelled like pickles and onions. You know, my skin was all bad because I was around grease all the time. I mean, I was thrashing my body for, at the time, not very high wages. When I managed for McDonald's in the 90s, I was making $7.75 an hour, but because the minimum wage was like $5.25, that was considered a pretty good wage. 

Alison

Yeah. 

Wednesday

I had a cousin who was working for McDonald's maybe five or six years ago, and she was making like $8.25 an hour.

00:16:50.40

Speaker

you know, fairly recently, like the wages just do not go up. 

Alison

No they don't.

Wednesday

Meanwhile, the CEOS are making like six grand an hour or some crazy shit. No one ever talks about why that doesn't make the price of Big Mac go up. But we digress because yeah, I do think like sex industry work attracts non traditional type of people, people that like either don't buy into the whole you know, sex is only between a man and a wife. It's only for kids. It's only this and that like, come on, you know, how old are we? And the thing is, it's not, it isn't like the progression of humanity has always been like that. I mean, when you look at what they were doing in ancient Greece and ancient Rome, it was like bisexual fuckfest all the time. ah 

Alison

right 

Wednesday

And nobody was into like, Oh, I'm shaming you because I don't approve of the person you had sex with. Cause people wouldn't even, like people would know that those are the freaks. The weird perverts are the ones that are like real concerned with what other people are doing. And it always seems to boil down to I've imagined what you do with your partner and I think it's gross. Okay, go home and imagine something else. 

Alison

No, I think it's definitely it's it's circled back around for the better, I think. And I think the more we talk about it, and just normalizing it more than it has been, at least over the last hundred, 200 years, especially, it's, I don't want to call it like Puritan culture, but it's almost like we're kind of um unplugging from what we were kind of taught growing up through the generations where it's, you know, it's private. Nobody talks about it, even though everybody's doing it or most people are doing it. It's, and it's the same with like sex education. The, one of the things that I love about women's health interactive and the work that we do, like I know, you know, it seems like, oh, you know, all we do is talk about, you know, vibrators, lube, and flashlights. And that is true to an extent, but at the same time, you know There's a whole generation of people that you know are coming up through sex education where they're getting minimal. I mean, I know it it depends to an extent like where you live and how um you know conservative ah of an area or how forward thinking of an area, you know it might vary. but There's just so much that kids aren't being taught. I mean, one of the, one of the things that my youngest had pointed out a couple of years back was like the, at least a sex education um that she received really didn't talk about anything outside of um home. like heterosexual relations and a little bit of birth control and abstinence and stuff, but it really didn't address anything beyond boy and girl. 

Wednesday

Right. That was all. 

Wednesday

You'll get pregnant, so don't. But if you must, right this is what a condom is.

Alison

Yeah, and there was there was nothing at all about you know lesbian relationships, bisexual relationships, transgender. you know just There was nothing about anything um beyond just what I don't want to say like standard sex education, but like just the only- 

Wednesday

Well, it is very cold and there's no discussion of pleasure that we have sex and we masturbate because it feels good and that's okay because part of Christians in particular puritanical culture is things that feel good are probably bad for you, whether it's an organism or candy or I mean, you know, sleeping late. 

Alison

It's sinful. 

Wednesday

Yeah, like, and the thing is that you're supposed to get this eternal reward, like after you die. And it's like, that that seems kind of shady. That's like, I'll pay you back after the apocalypse. Like, no, I want to have a decent time now. And it's so like, when you look at it historically, most of that is tied up with kings and queens and nobles living opulently and telling peasants, no, no, this life is going to suck. Just get used to it. You'll get a reward when you die. And then that slowly, crap because like we don't have in the United States, we do not have standardized sex education. There are no national requirements that say, like when you graduate from high school, you have to know how to add, subtract, multiply and divide. You have to know the basic parts of speech. You can forget it immediately once you get to Twitter, but you do have to know it when you graduate. But you don't have to know anything about sex ed. You don't have to know how to find the clitoris. You don't have to know that gay, trans and bi people exist and that there are lots and lots of There's like overlap. i mean I was an adult when I understood, like for example, that being gay and being trans may or may not have anything to do with each other. like There's a famous ah writer who I very much admired in the 90s. Now I admire admire them even more as a person. ut the writer Poppy Z. Bright has, ah has ah you know, they're trans. So they've, do I say they've transformed? They they ah used to be known as and female and they were they did the they-them thing for a while. But Billy Martin, as they are now known, is trance. And they are a dude for all intents and purposes. And yet they're still dating dudes. And I think I had an idea that everyone was somehow like shooting toward the binary hetero value. So it seemed to me like, oh, well, if you're going to be a dude, but now you're a gay dude. Like that's also not what people want you to do. And I didn't understand as a youth that it doesn't have anything to do with that. People are just trying to live their authentic self. and that gender expression and sexuality don't have to be anywhere near each other? 

Alison

No. No, they really don't. and That's one of the things that you know i'm I'm glad more and more. like I know it's still an uphill battle for people and they have my utmost respect because I can't even imagine. i mean i know like We are becoming more progressive, but there's still such a long way to go. 

Wednesday

with the backash. My God, people are just leaving their minds. Just the idea that trans people might be treated respectfully and like, you know, because I mean, conservative culture, i I talk to conservatives online a lot and I mean, ah So many of them are one of the things that they put tremendous emphasis on is that your level ah of attractiveness is directly related to your level of respect. So they're all rude and mean to me because they want to tell me that I'm fat and ugly and that that should hurt my feelings and make me cry. And it doesn't because I'm not 11 and I'm not on a playground. But 

Alison

right 

Wednesday

it's a huge thing with them. They really honestly believe that unattractive people, that their opinions don't matter as much, that what they say is unimportant. And it's kind of difficult to imagine how you could think that and then still have Donald Trump be your guy.

Alison

Yeah. 

Wednesday

He was objectively hideous. 

Alison

Oh my God. 

Wednesday

He is not an attractive man. Even when he was younger, he looked like- 

Alison

No, no. 

Wednesday

I don't like to toss around the word Leibensborn, but if somebody told me that that the Trumps were from that line, I would not question it. They're old school Germans and they hate everyone who's not just like them. um but But I certainly don't want to get off on a Trump tangent because boy, oh boy, that would be unpleasant.

Alison

It's so funny because we have a lot of conversations about that here in at home. and yeah that's yeah You'll have to chat with my husband later or some other time because I think you guys would get along famously. 

Wednesday

um Getting back to your not having a diagnosis, have doctors told you anything about whether or not you're on the autism spectrum or if you have any particular diagnosis? 

Alison

I have asked, like I've talked to my doctor, um it's my last been a while I kind of, you know, because I did have concerns just, you know, because I catch myself um a lot of times doing certain things and like my family, especially that my family will point out to me. It's like, yeah, okay, I see it now I get it. But um, it was one of those things where and i don't want to I don't want to dig on the the medical system as far as um where i where I go and like in in this particular area, but it's not the best. Even like just getting care, because I have autoimmune disease as well, um even getting care for things that you can prove with blood work and medical tests. you know like You look at my medical record and yes, there are all these things that you know we've we've tested and we can see. like you know I have a history of cancer. I've had you know autoimmune disease for several years. Those are all provable because there were tests that you know you you can't... I don't want to say that you can't fake, but you just you know you can see it. It's scientifically there. Whereas this, it's I don't know. i've I've struggled with the need for a diagnosis to begin with, um only because at this point in my life, what purpose would it really serve? um I think you know because I'm coming up on 50, I'm a couple of years shy of 50 right now. um I've made it through school. I've figured out how to adult in my adult life for the most part. I mean, you know, I still have my my internal struggles and things that I, um you you know, have difficulty with, but I manage and I feel fine. And I'm, you know, for the most part, pretty happy with my life. So I don't. I didn't push the issue as far as like meeting with a psychologist on staff. And he is a sweet guy, um because i've I've met him um a few years back. He was meeting with ah one of my kids, and um you know and i and I liked him very much. But it wasn't anything that I decided to pursue. um And like my you you know like my regular my regular doctor, Or my my primary care physician, I guess is what you would call them. Uh, what my primary care physician had told me, you know, if it's not causing a problem, there's not really a need for it unless I want to know, like. completely like if I hands down want to have that diagnosis so I can put it on a little shiny card or something like yeah Then I could but I just never felt the need to and I know that's a very long-winded explanation and I apologize I do tend

Wednesday

No not at all. I think that there are a lot of people who would agree with that. Um, I think where I come from on it is that If I don't have an official diagnosis My insurance won't do a damn thing for me um 

Alison

Right. Oh, yes. 

Wednesday

I'm sure that I'm on the autism spectrum. I'm positive that I have ADHD and that I've had it forever because I've taken those tests that people say, oh, well, you're so smart. You have all these talents. Why aren't you doing anything with it? Like, I don't know. I just want to take a nap. Can you all leave me alone? because I had all these things going on. I had apnea and I you know have had trauma from just being smacked around so much. And a lot of it. Like I would like to be on medication for ADHD, but my understanding is there's a big shortage. 

Alison

I've heard, yeah.

Wednesday

And because I'm not having very specific problems, my insurance doesn't cover it. So it's like two grand to just go get tested. And that's why I haven't done it. Um, but I, it' and you know, and people talk a lot about things like autism and why does everything have to have a name? And I'd never heard of autism. 

Alison

right 

Wednesday

You haven't heard of it because it didn't have a name. That's how these things work. 

Alison

Exactly. Yeah, I think especially for for our generation and our age, this was not a thing when we were in school and even into our early 20s, I don't remember ever hearing the word autism when I was in high school. 

Wednesday

right 

Alison

like Not that I ever recall. but I think 

Wednesday

Rain Man, the movie Rain Man is when I 

Alison

yes 

Wednesday

became aware of what autism is.

Alison

Yeah.

Wednesday

And so if people weren't doing what he does, then it would never occur to me that maybe that was also obvious. Yeah, exactly. It's funny because like here and there, you know I've taken like the little online tests that you know just to see um because I thought for a while I might have had ADHD without the H because I'm really not hyperactive, despite how quickly I talk. um i'm i'm not I never saw that part in myself, but like I've taken some of the autism spectrum tests and they're all like, you should talk to a professional. Like, oh, okay. Well, I mean, you know, I see these things, I recognize these things. And especially like my family points them out to me, they find it part of my charm. It's a quirk. I have quirks. That's how I, but you know, like the, the rocking especially, um, i that's that's a That's a big one. I rock a lot, um whether I'm sitting or standing. and i Usually, i I don't do it like if I'm just sitting there quietly, but like if I'm in a group or especially at the dinner table and people are talking and there's a lot going on, I do. I just i catch myself and I'm like, huh, there it is. 

Wednesday

Maybe that's anxiety related? 

Alison

i I don't know that cause I don't feel anxious. Like I'm not even the slightest bit nervous. It's just a thing that I do. Or sometimes I'll make like just weird little noises out of nowhere. I'll just be sitting there and I'll go like, there's like no reason for it. And it's, you know, it's, I don't know how to explain it. I just have these weird little things that I do, but my family's used to it. 

Wednesday

If you were in a less supportive environment than a diagnosis might be more helpful because I think a diagnosis can sort of insulate people from some of the backlash that they would get for their symptoms. I know when I was in school, my report card always had a box checked, exercises self-control because I talk too much during class. And because I was a girl, it didn't occur to anyone to test me for ADD or ADHD because they didn't know I would present it in girls. But like if I had had that diagnosis, then the whole thing would be perceived differently. It wouldn't be like this person's acting out, they should be punished. It was it could be more like this person is having an issue. Let's figure out how we can tackle that issue. you know And it changes the way that we look at a problem And you know, I'm ah i'm a fat person, so I get the same thing. Like if people say, oh my God, you're fat, you should eat less. How can you be so gluttonous? It's like, bitch, I am not gluttonous. You have no idea what I eat. But if I say to someone, well, I have this ailment and this condition, and this is going on, and people will say, oh, oh, that's too bad, you know? 

Alison

Right.

Wednesday

And then not that I want anyone's empathy or think I owe anyone an explanation for my size, but it does make people be less dickish to me. 

Alison

Yeah.

Wednesday

And revolutionary thought. 

Alison.

I hate that, though. Right? 

Wednesday

Because let's not be- 

Alison

I hate that you have to- Yeah. I mean, it doesn't matter. 

Wednesday

Right. Exactly. That's the thing that's always driven me crazy. It's like in order for it to be accepted, it has to have a label. And if it doesn't have a label, then it's just something that you're doing wrong or you're just not living your life right. 

Wednesday

Yep. 

Yeah. I absolutely hate it. 

Wednesday

Yep. And that's the thing is that if we could all be kinder to each other without necessarily needing an in-depth explanation of someone's upbringing and psychology. That might help if we can start with a baseline understanding that everyone's doing the best they can. And um 

Alison

right

Wednesday

you know I'm I can be awfully judgy. I was at a store once and saw a mom chastising her daughter for not doing a good enough job of watching the younger brother. and Boy, that makes my blood boil. and you know And all I can think when I see that is, man, that mom is terrible. What a terrible mom. It is not that girl's job to raise another sibling. Why are you even out this late? It's 11 o'clock at night. Why are you in a store? Not thinking that a mom out at 11, shopping with two kids, probably has a lot on her plate. And she probably didn't have anyone to leave the kids with and like You know, i it didn't occur to me to think, wow, she's probably got a lot going on and use a smile or some support. No, I was just like, oh, you're doing something I don't approve of. Damn those little strangers for making me this angry. 

Alison

Well, it's really hard. It's almost like you have to condition yourself to, you know, not question why people are are doing what they're doing, but to try and understand like, yeah, they're like you said, people are just doing the best that they can and and That's true for pretty much everybody. um yeah it's you You don't know what somebody's life is like beyond what you witness in person for that few minutes or a few seconds even. it's That's the only glimpse you have into their lives. and and It is hard to like condition yourself to not make judgments, but gosh, if everybody could do that, like if everybody could just accept the fact that people are doing the best that they can. I think everybody would be a lot happier and the world would certainly be a lot nicer. 

Wednesday

Yeah. 

Alison

At least parts of it.

Wednesday

Well, and you know, aren of it that's what the kids are doing. That's like millennials and younger. Those are the people that are like, no, we're not going to be tribalistic assholes. We're not going to be 

Alison

they're breaking the cycle. 

Wednesday

Yeah. And it's so great to see that not only is it great to see all those cycles getting broken and smashed and just like questioned and challenged. You know, like, well, why is this like this? Oh, you don't know. Nobody knows. I forget. There's a comedian that talks about how tradition is just peer pressure from dead people. It's so valid. 

Alison

Oh my gosh that's so true. 

Wednesday

Right? Because wait we don't owe anything to are our you know the the generation above us. They had their day. you know We should do our best to take whatever values worked and perpetuate those. But anything that doesn't work, anything that hurts people, anything that, you know, is is not to the benefit of ah most of us. You gotta, you gotta to excise that stuff, man. As a society, we gotta like,

00:37:32.94

Speaker

pull back from the kids. We are taught tribalism from such a young age. 

Alison

Oh we are.

Wednesday

You're supposed to dislike we are because they go to a different high school than you, where they root for a different sports team. Like sports is way, way tribal. I mean, like, well, look at what goes on in sports now. You know, people wanted to boycott the NFL because of how someone protested during a sporting event. They wanted to boycott the entire industry. Like, how big of a friggin' baby are you that you don't even play on the team and you're trying to take your ball and go home? Like, really? Really, guys? And now the people that can't shut up about how white on white heterosexuality is the greatest thing in the history of mankind, and there's a pretty girl dating a football player, and they're all mad about that now.

Alison

Oh my gosh. That just, oh, that cracks me up. There's like part of me that just wishes they would have the camera on Taylor Swift all the time. Like just in the corner, like down in the corner, just a little, little like picture in picture of her for the entire game. 

Wednesday

Taylor Cam. 

Alison

I love that so much. Yes. So if anybody is listening and you're involved in the NFL, like, you know, next year, keep it in mind. Put that down there. I would be so ecstatic. 

Wednesday

Right? 

Alison

Just, oh.

Wednesday

Yeah, that's the thing. I don't know anything about Taylor Swift. I know she's very popular and that Kanye is gonna let her finish and everything, but I i know very little of her music. But I've made a point to know what she's up to and what kind of person she is because she makes people that already irritate me just so angry, the kind of people that say, why is Miss Marvel made for children? Like, why do you think it's made for children? It's about a child. You know, these are the same people that complain that like a cartoon She-Ra or the green M&M like isn't sexy enough anymore. 

Alison

Oh my gosh, I remember that. 

Wednesday

So after my whole rant about not judging people, I will now be judging people with whom I do not agree.

Alison

Well, you know, there are are some things that should be judged. 

Wednesday

Yes. And that's the thing that like, first of all, we should, we we can and should judge people based on what they do, but not on who they are. Well you hear people say, ah you know, I don't follow politics because I'd rather focus on things that are pleasant. 

Alison

Right. Yeah. right 

Wednesday

If nobody's coming for your rights. 

Alison

Sure. Yeah. It would be until everything starts falling apart. 

Wednesday

Yep. Yep. Yep. So let me ask, um, I actually wrote down a list of questions that that's my terrible secret. Everyone that I plan these interviews in advance. Um, but like, so let's suppose there are other women and I'm sure that there are that have symptoms that are probably related to autism, ADD, ADHD. What advice would you give them?

Alison

I think the biggest piece of advice is to learn to accept yourself. Um, I know that's harder or that, you know, that's easier said than done. It's actually a lot harder in practice, but the diagnosis itself is not as important as recognizing, um, the symptoms that you might have. and just dealing with them in the way that is best for you, whether that is simply recognizing that they're there and, you know, accepting them for what they are and the rest of the world can fucking deal with it, which is like the the way I kind of look at it, basically. but Like, you know, yeah, you're you're just stuck dealing with me, but um which i'm I'm sure my family just loves. um But, you know, if it seems like it is causing a problem where it's affecting your quality of life, then you're looking at, you know, yeah, maybe you should go through what is probably going to be, you know, a potentially awful process of, you know, seeing doctors or trying to get that diagnosis. Because like you said, like those medications, they don't give them to you unless you have like a documented problem. And that is, hard because insurance and the entire and insurance industry is just a clusterfuck anyway, but you know trying to get those things on record so you can get the medications or get the appointments that you need or the therapy that you need, whatever it is that you need, that could be important for some. and you know, if, if you're in a situation as a woman in your forties or fifties or even younger or older, um, and that is affecting your quality of life. Try to find a doctor if you can to, you know, to at least start the process or, you know, try to get something on record and figure it out because if you do need medication. like In my case, i'm ah and this is completely a little bit of a tangent, but it was just funny how it worked out. um I'm 48 or about to turn 48 right now. And so I'm, you know, fully in the throes of menopause. Nevermind the fact that I had a radical hysterectomy at 29. I kept my ovaries and now they're like, you know, petering out. So I was hot flashing something fierce. And I came to my doctor and I said, you know, I think I need to go on HRT. This is getting out of control because at the time I was having, gosh, 12 to 14 hot flashes a day. so and 

Wednesday

Oh my God. 

Alison

Oh my God, Yeah. I was, I was just, I was at the end of all of the ropes. So I came to her and I said, you know, I i think I need HRT. Um, you know, i've I went ahead and I had like a hormone test done and, you know, saw where my levels were at. But instead of, and then part of me started wondering, well, did she know when she made this suggestion? Because I thought it was completely bat shit crazy instead of HRT. she suggested Effexor, 

Wednesday

Oh wow.

Alison

which is not, yeah, ah that's what I said. I was like, okay, I'm going to think about this and I'll get back to you. But when I was doing the research on it, I'm like, why on earth? you know what I don't really have issues with anxiety. um I don't have panic disorder. I mean, I don't love being around people, but that's not the same. um And I was like, Well, this, okay, yeah, it happens to treat ah hot flashes, but you know why why do this? And I did my research and then I thought, you know, all right, fine. I'm going to try this and just see. um I was just really hesitant about it because i you know a few years back I had been put on different medications for migraines and to dis disastrous effect. um i just, it was, it was a really bad time and that's a whole different story. But, um, I decided to try it and not only did it like solve my hot flashes, I have been hot flash free for months, but I actually just sort of feel better all over. Um, and I don't know if she knew something I didn't, or if she just thought, you know, why don't we try to knock out two birds with one stone and try this instead of HRT, but I'm honestly glad she did, but it's one of those things where like that's a medication that I just happened to be put on because of something that was in my medical record and and it ended up helping tremendously um in multiple ways. but yeah that's 

Wednesday

wow That's amazing. 

Alison

It was unexpected. It was very unexpected. 

Wednesday

Because I know I when I was first diagnosed, well, I was actually misdiagnosed with depression. And I was bipolar. Anyone who knew me could tell you that I was bipolar. And so I was given welbutrin, which you should not give to a manic depressive because it will make you manic. And the thing about Um, like depression is bad because it prevents you from doing the things that you need to do. You know, you're tired, you think everyone hates you. It might actually sink to the point where you become suicidal. Um, so you you kind of, you should often shut down, stay away from people. Mania will blow your entire life to bits, man. Mania is like, I'm going to tell my boss what I really think of him. And then I'm going to tell that person that I'm angry at all the reasons they can go fuck themselves. Plus, I have an idea for a new business. So I'm going to spend a few thousand dollars I don't have on that. And just, you know, because your mind is just a million places at once and you have all these ideas and everything, like, For me, mania is one of two things. It's either I'm queen of the world. I'm going to do this new project and I'm going to bust out and everything's going to work out and go my way. Or my mania is I hate everyone. I should just burn this whole planet to the ground. You know, and I'm either real, real mad or I'm on top of the world, but whatever it is, it's not like depression and mania are both dishonest. You know, one of them tells you you suck. One of them tells you everything else sucks or that you're the greatest person on earth. None of them are giving you a clear picture of who you are and what is happening in your life.

Alison

Right.

Wednesday

you know, if your brain is suddenly telling you everyone hates you, or that you should have been famous, you know, like, like I'm some kind of Trump, like, Oh, well, the whole world loves me, and I could just start murdering people and nobody would care, like, okay, but maybe don't do that. So that leads me to my question of like, medical people aside, do you find that your symptoms, your condition is best managed alone? Or do you enlist someone in your life to help you manage and watch for symptoms and and that sort of thing? 

Alison

Um, I would say I more or less manage it alone, but with the support of my family, like they, they'll point things out to me sometimes. Um, and, you know and but And not like in a mean way, not like, you know oh, you're you're doing this thing again. you know You need to stop. Just more of like an observational thing. um But it's, I tend to internalize a lot of it. Like I don't, and it's not like I, and don' I'm not somebody that's like afraid of seeking outside help. Cause that's not necessarily true either, but. It's one of those things where it's like the way I look at it or the way I try to rationalize it, because I do try to rationalize things in weird ways that make sense to me. Um, but it's like, it's my head. I need to figure it out. Or, you know, I, I, I don't know. Like, I know that's like a really simple way of putting it, but it's, um, it's like. I need to be the one to figure it out because it's not something anybody else can really solve for me.

Wednesday

um So it sounds like you see this as a ah personal responsibility issue. Would would that be accurate? 

Alison

I don't know that I would call it ah like a personal responsibility to anybody else but myself. um but i'm I'm also very much a, um at least of like everybody in my family, I'm like the, I don't want to call myself the rock because that sounds like I'm, you know, putting myself on some sort of a pedestal or something, but I'm just, I'm, I feel the need to be strong a lot of the time or all of the time. So I just kind of, put myself in that position, I guess. Actually, I never really thought about it, but yeah, that is kind of what I do. 

Wednesday

Part of that is probably from parenting, right? 

Alison

I think so. 

Wednesday

You are literally responsible for other humans. 

Alison

That could be. Yeah, actually, that really could be. I've had to be an adulty adult for a very long time now, so I just kind of take on that responsibility of you know, managing myself and managing or trying to manage them or at least be there for them. And yeah, I think, yeah, I think you're right. It is, it does come from that or at least to a, to a degree for sure. 

Wednesday

Well, I wonder if, if you would advise other people to go about their symptom management differently, maybe, I mean, would you, would you advise people to like seek out support from like a specific friend or a family member that you can trust with that sort of thing? 

Alison

Probably so. like I think in terms of like coping or managing whatever way works for you, um because I know it's not a one size fits all sort of situation. Some people are more comfortable talking to friends. Some are more comfortable talking to therapists. Some don't want to see therapists at all. And and that's understandable too. um But I think it's it's one of those things where you you know at least reflecting on what you need or think you need and taking those steps to get the support that you need in whatever way that happens to look like for you is is okay. um Because I know just different strokes for different folks. And we're not even talking about fleshlights here. So, you know, it's... 

Wednesday

Where are we? 

Alison

We could be. 

Wednesday

Right? So, listen, up I heard a rumor that you have a book dropping soon, and I want to hear all about it. 

Alison

I do. um i am I've had to delay um getting it released just because, you know, I'm pokey slow and trying to do a lot of things. and you know, it's just those last edits too. And it's so funny because i I work as an editor. I've been an editor for years, but like when it comes to editing my own stuff, I am very, well, what if I just change this word here or maybe I need to make another pass and it's taken me for fucking ever. um But I have a um fantasy fiction novel coming out this spring. It's called The Color of Gravity and it's, It's one of those articles or one of the, yeah, um I've got sex articles on the brain clearly. um yeah But it's it's one of those, um fan it's low fantasy. um It is geared toward people who love YA, but kind of like the idea of having characters who are, you know, older than 16, 18, 20. And I don't want to give away too many details about the story itself. um I do have them on my website for anybody that is curious. um But I'm very, very excited about it because it kind of plays on the lore of Asmodeus and Sarah who, you know, if It's somewhat um biblical in nature, but it's not a religious story at all. It's it's it's not even like a ah fractured fairy tale kind of a thing. It's just kind of um inspired by them. And i I love stories that are about folklore and mythology or even just rooted in it. so taking pieces of that and kind of turning it into a contemporary, modern day, low fantasy story just really thrilled me. And I'm very excited about it. um It's got a lot of unexpected twists and turns, I think, or I hope, um at least the beta readers said it was good. So ah ah I'm going to stand by that and hope for the best. But um But yeah, that's ah that's what'll be coming out. 

Wednesday

In in the fantasy genre, I know, I'm sure there are some standalone books, but fantasy is big on series, right? So is this the beginning of a series? Or is this something that the story will end when the book ends? 

Alison

Right now, it will have a second book. Um, it's it's not going to be a long series unless like I can figure out where it goes after that but I already have it outlined um and From my perspective right now. It would be a two-book series like I don't know that I mean unless it was like sort of like a like a spin-off or um, you know focusing on somebody else's story, I don't see the story progressing beyond where I have it end at the but the end of the um outline for the second book. So yeah, it's like, so it'll be a short series, like a mini series. 

Wednesday

So are you, are you going through a traditional publisher? Do you have an agent? Are you going that route? 

Alison

No, I am self publishing. I thought about seeking traditional publishing, however, and I know this is like my own thing. But I and I'm not a control freak in most aspects of my life. When it comes to my creativity and my creative vision, I very much am. So I i tossed it around for a couple of years. I went back and forth doing the research. What do I want to do? I want full control over my book cover. I want full control over my story. Um, and it was just super important to me. So I am going to be self publishing. Um, I'll, I'll probably publish under an imprint, like, you know, like my own, um, my own imprint, but, um, but yeah, I'll be putting that baby out myself. 

Wednesday

That's awesome. And you know, there's a lot of talk in the publishing community about the value of self publishing versus the value of like big houses versus mid range houses. 

Alison

Yeah.

Wednesday

I, when I first started publishing, I wanted to find a publisher because I, my self-esteem is garbage. It's like better now than it was then, but at the time it was garbage and I very much felt that finding a traditional publisher would be validating and yeah, without denigrating anyone in particular, it was not, it was not validating. it ah i mean It was almost like a non-person meeting your heroes thing. Like, oh, I finally did this thing. I really wanted, oh, this isn't that great. It was fine. you know Everyone was very professional. My books came out you know and and couple of like like dozens of people read them. um It wasn't until my third book that I actually got any real readership and real ah you know, people that were not my friends and family, basically. 

Alison

Yeah. 

Wednesday

um So I think it is incredibly brave to go ahead and self publish your first book, especially like, the reason I think people don't like self published debut books is because a lot of times they're not edited well. um 

Alison

Oh, gosh, yes. Yeah, I've read plenty of them, actually. 

Wednesday

So hard. It's so hard. Even if you are a very good editor, I think I'm a good editor, but I can't edit my own work. because I just don't have, you know, I can't separate myself from the work enough to look at it objectively. I'm never sure if I'm saying what I meant to say, or if something is too verbose, or if it's just a paragraph readers are going to skip over. But I mean, George RR Martin has an editor, presumably, and there's still three pages about what everybody had for breakfast. So, you know, having a publisher doesn't necessarily stop you from embarrassing yourself.

Alison

It's so funny. I love the way you put that because there's like there are writers that I that I think of and and I'm afraid to name them because I really do love their stories. But it's like, I find myself one of them I'm i'm rereading right now but I find myself like kind of like skimming through because it'll be like three pages about like a walk through the forest to get to somewhere or like, you know, 18 pages of you know, like Skinning a deer and you know cooking it over a fire or something. 

Wednesday

We get it, Tolkien the trees are sad 

Alison

yeah 

Wednesday

they're old and they're sad 

Wednesday

But I do I Totally understand what you're saying about not being able to separate yourself from your own work to self-edit That took a lot of practice and it took a lot of applying what I would apply to writers whose work I am editing like I tried to

01:00:02.36

Speaker

And that was also part of the reason why it took me so long for this particular novel because, you know, I took long breaks from it, like not just in the writing, but even with the editing. So I would get that separation. And I think- 

Wednesday

But you had also mentioned beta readers, right? 

Alison

Mm-hmm, yes. Yeah, I had- 

Wednesday

Beta readers, boy, they can shake your confidence. 

Alison

Yeah, I mean, it was a lot of great feedback. but um But it was also, and I mean, that was like a year ago. So just to give you kind of on an idea of how long of a process this has been, um but I think um being able to step away from it and being okay with stepping away from it kind of provides that distance. Cause I know like self publishing, especially people are in such a rush to publish and they hurry, hurry, hurry, and they get it out. and it's full of errors or there's you know just all kinds of plot holes and problems, but hey, they published a book. And I i think that kind of gives self-publishing somewhat of a bad name. Not that it really has a bad name, it's gotten better over the years, but um you know it's I almost kind of feel like it's it's more validating to put out your own. work, you know, to go through that process

Wednesday

Having switched to self publishing, I really have to agree with that my last two horror collections are short stories. And I made like a big career shift recently because I considered myself a horror novelist. But now that I'm embracing the fact that I have ADHD, it makes a lot more sense for me to write short stories. So I'm not just compiling a list of ideas. I'm taking ideas and turning them into stories instead of just making an ever-growing list of things I'll put in a novel someday. 

Alison

Yeah. 

Wednesday

So, so yeah, I think that self publishing, as you mentioned, it gives you so much control. My husband does all my my book covers for me now. And he's so good. um 

Alison

Oh, they're incredible. 

Wednesday

The last one, 

Alison

they really are 

Wednesday

just I mean, I got I'm on my own book cover. That just that thrills me to know it. 

Alison

I love it. I loved it.

Wednesday

But yeah, I think having that control combined with the passion, but also like the patience and the know-how to know that like, no, there still needs to be editing. There still needs to be beta readers. You know, I need more eyes on this thing. Um, 

Alison

yeah. 

Wednesday

Now I am also aware that you are hanging out your shingle as an editor and that you're open to accepting work from other people. So how is that going? 

Alison

Um, it's going really well. Um, and that was another thing that I had been working on the last, um, several months was, you know, cause I, I built the website for my, my entire self. Um, but it's, I've been editing for so long and I mean, I love, don't get me wrong. Like I love the work that I've done, you know, with women's health interactive with the roots of loneliness project. Um, the writers that I've worked with, including you have been incredible. And, you know, I really do enjoy helping writers and editing. And it occurred to me, towards the later part of 2023, I started thinking, you know, I should set something up for myself. Like I should start building a business or working towards actually doing the thing or the things plural that I love the most. And so um I founded Dark Star Lit, which, um because I love the night sky, I love stars. I'm very, um I don't know, I'm just very drawn towards that and it just felt perfect for me as far as like, ah you know, a business name and branding. um But I started that to do more of what I love, which is working with writers, coaching, editing, and just being involved in helping people just tell their stories. um primari Primarily fiction. um I'm not really a, I've never really done a lot of um Well, no, actually, I shouldn't say that because I've like written like the anthologies that I've been in have all been like more personal, um like nonfiction. But ah but yeah, I focus primarily on ah fiction editing and fiction books and authors who are

Wednesday

and We'll have your ah your link in the description for the episode, so in case anybody wants to find you, which they should. I know my work always looks better after you've had a hand in it. 

Alison

Thank you. I appreciate that. 

Wednesday

Thank you. Between you and and the vivid video editing at WHI, it's like, wow, you guys have a gift for making me look like I know what the hell I'm talking about. I love that.

Alison

Oh my gosh.

Alison

work on those videos. Oh, I mean, just all all of the video work that she that she's done. um She is just incredible, incredible. and And you know, she's put up with a lot of notes and but just like her her ability to to take all of that raw footage and turn it into something entertaining and you know, just snappy and punchy but just Oh, yeah, she's. And then too, though, you provided a lot of fantastic raw footage to work with. So I mean, just to I'm telling you, anybody that's listening right now needs to go on YouTube and watch those because they they are just phenomenal. 

Wednesday

They were so much fun. They were so much fun. 

Alison

It looked like it.

Wednesday

Well, and my husband helped me with with all those recordings. So he's, you know, throwing blown up condoms across the room.

Alison

Best job ever. 

Wednesday

Right. Right. um You know, we're actually nearing the end. So I should just say, is there anything else that we have not covered that you think that we should talk about before we get to the Mad Libs? 

Alison

oh I don't think so. I mean, I think we've, i'm I'm actually looking at the, at the list of questions too. yeah Um, but no, yeah, I think we, uh, I think we covered pretty much everything. No, it's, it's been a lot of fun though. yeah 

Wednesday

Well, you know, the mad lib is always my favorite part of the interview. So, okay. You ready? Cause I'm going to just start shooting parts of speech at you and I'll need them back. All right. first 

Alison

Oh, okay. Yeah. 

Wednesday

Give me a noun.

Alison

Uh, tree house. 

Wednesday

And a plural noun. 

Alison

Um, mmm. Cheeses. 

Wednesday

What is it? 

Alison

Cheeses, like, uh, you know, cheese plural. 

Wednesday

Okay. And an adjective. 

Alison

Um, smelly. 

Wednesday

And a plural noun. 

Alison

Um, 

Wednesday

actually I need one, two, three, four plural nouns. 

Alison

Four plural nouns.Okay. Uh, we'll say shoes. Uh, I'm like looking around the room like, what are some things? Um, uh, candles, dogs, and one more coffee cups.

Wednesday

Okay. Now I need some regular nouns. I need one, two. Oh, looks like just two more nouns. 

Alison

Okay. Floor and grass.

Wednesday

All right. Now I need some adjectives. 

Alison

Hmm. All right. We will go with tasty. Freezing. 

Wednesday

Wait, what is it? 

Alison

Freezing.

Wednesday

Okay, two more. 

Alison

Okay, two more. um We'll say snowy and crispy. 

Wednesday

All right, I need a number. 

Wednesday

52. 

Wednesday

a verb ending in ing oh no wait i lied a verb ending in s 

Alison

oh uh runs 

Wednesday

and a part of the body

Alison

Penis.

You gotta make it dirty, you got to, okay? 

Alison

Yeah. 

Wednesday

Like, what if she doesn't say penis? What will I do then? 

Alison

You you know me too well. 

Wednesday

Of course, you know, if we're sex writers, we could get real specific. 

Alison

Right. 

Wednesday

yes ah the The vas deferens. Okay, oh so that's it. So this Mad Lib is entitled The Olympics. And here we go. Every two years, countries from all over the treehouse send their best cheeses to compete in smelly games and win shoes. These events are called the Olympic Candles. They started 52 years ago in snowy Greece. Is Greece known for their snow? Okay. When a winner receives his or her crispy medal at the games, the national floor of his or her country is played by a freezing band. As the band runs, the citizens of that country put their penis to their chest and join in the singing of their national grass. Thanks to television, these tasty events can now be watched by over a billion dogs throughout the world every two coffee cups. Well then, this is why I don't like the Olympics, because I'm not a dog.

Alison

Yeah, I don't think my dog really cares much either. She's laying over here on the floor like she just not a care in the world. 

Wednesday

Yeah, see my cat, I've been putting on TV shows for her because YouTube has shows for cats. 

Alison

Oh my gosh. 

Wednesday

Oh, it's crazy. And she will jump right at the screen. She wants those birds so much. So yeah, I recommend it highly. 

Alison

I've watched our cat, um or well, actually my niece's cat, but I consider him mine because he's up on my bed all the time, but he will watch TV. Because I tend to watch like on Netflix at night, I watch a lot of um like supernatural like K dramas on Netflix, which if anybody is looking for anything new to watch, Alchemy of Souls is like my highest recommendation of all time. It's amazing. but he'll sit there and just watch enthralled. I don't know if he has an opinion, but it does keep him occupied. My dog doesn't care, but Monty does. 

Wednesday

Wow. That is wild. Thank you so much for being here. I am so glad that we could do this. 

Alison

Thank you. Thank you for not minding me running on and on and on because I know I spew a lot of words. 

Wednesday

Well, that's, that's like the whole point is, uh, I mean, what we go here for here is to let people tell their genuine stories that they don't normally get to talk about. And part of our goal is to help anyone who's listening to know that like, they're not alone and that it helps to make art about it. Whatever it is, art is helpful. So 

Alison

It absolutely is.

Wednesday

and that's really where we're at. And I think you illustrated all that just really beautifully. See everyone else next time. Thank you so much. 

Alison

Thank you.

01:13:00.53

Speaker

Thank you for listening to The Mentally Oddcast, brought to you by Sometimes Hilarious Horror. Visit us on ko-fi.com. Sometimes Hilarious Horror. My name is Wednesday Lee Friday, the host of The Mentally Oddcast. We have new episodes every Wednesday. Be sure to like and subscribe wherever you listen. Thanks everyone. See you next week.