Mentally Oddcast Transcript: Violet Fawkes

An audio version of this podcast can be found here. 

00:00:01.00

wednesdayleefriday

Hi friends, my name is Wednesday Lee Friday and you are listening to the Mentally Oddcast. We are brought to you by sometimes hilarious horror and you'd be doing us all a favor by checking us out on Ko-fi.

00:00:17.55

wednesdayleefriday

This week, we have Violet Fawkes, who is a sex and pleasure educator, a writer, a dildo designer, and someone who is dedicated to spreading sex positivity and helping people explore, empower, and enrich their lives through healthy, intimate relationships with themselves and others, which, oh my god, what a coincidence. About half of that is also stuff I do at my day job. Hi, Violet. Thanks so much for being here.

00:00:45.92

Violet 

Hi, thank you so much for having me.

00:00:48.56

wednesdayleefriday

So as we are both sex writers, I want to make it clear that we have never worked together. And as far as I know, we've never worked for the same publication. We just happen to meet on the socials.

00:00:59.60

Violet 

I believe that is true, yeah. i

00:01:01.49

wednesdayleefriday

I mean, some of the people around here are my buddies, so I kind of like it make it to make it sort of clear, like who's who. And I just want to say, I barely know you. I barely know you.

00:01:13.10

wednesdayleefriday

So I'm sure I'll learn a lot. um We actually like to start the show by asking people to describe their first experience with a horror movie. Now, I don't know if you're a horror person per se, but everybody's seen us a scary movie at some point. So why don't you tell us about yours?

00:01:31.34

Violet 

You know, I thought about this question and i I do really love horror films.

00:01:36.40

wednesdayleefriday

Nice.

00:01:36.93

Violet 

And I started very young with horror. I was not easily scared as a child. ah But sometimes I certainly was and I definitely sought out the experience of scary movies.

00:01:53.86

Violet 

And I think the one that really stands out to me from my you know, arguably formative years. um So this would have been the early 90s. I would have been maybe eight or nine, eight, nine, 10, somewhere in there.

00:02:06.06

Violet 

And the original It, which I thought was a movie, and it was actually a miniseries.

00:02:08.88

wednesdayleefriday

Okay. Yep, yep.

00:02:12.57

Violet 

And I was living in Vancouver at the time, which of course was where it was filmed, ah which if you've ever lived somewhere where things get filmed, it's often exciting to see those locations, but also kind of makes you think twice about them.

00:02:26.02

Violet 

so there were parts of the city that gave me the creeps for years but the thing that I found interesting about that particular movie and the thing that I learned as a kid in that was watching it and I was really I was getting really pretty terrified and I remember my dad saying just press mute just mute the TV and learning that the sound and the music in horror movies For some of us, I'm sure not for everybody, but for me, is the big thing that sends me over the edge.

00:02:56.92

Violet 

I can see the horror, I can see the jump scares, the flash of fangs, whatever it is. But when I get overwhelmed, I have to not hear it.

00:03:06.98

wednesdayleefriday

Well, you know, there is a, there's a scientific basis for that.

00:03:06.98

Violet 

Because, oh, I'm sure it must be the most manipulative manipulative writing of music out there because it is absolutely meant to frighten you.

00:03:11.13

wednesdayleefriday

Oh yeah. ah

00:03:22.12

wednesdayleefriday

oh yeah

00:03:22.72

Violet 

But being that age and realizing that, I then watched all horror movies through the lens of the sound. And the my favorite horror movies actually are ones that have like the the part that I love most about them is almost always um either a sound like a Foley sound like a sound of action.

00:03:31.89

wednesdayleefriday

Nice.

00:03:45.34

Violet 

or um you know the music and the score that was used. I mean, obviously something like Jaws is a perfect example, right? you know That cello haunts us all.

00:03:54.24

wednesdayleefriday

huh

00:03:56.41

Violet 

But you know the Shining, it's got some amazing, amazing music and sound.

00:04:02.51

wednesdayleefriday

No, that's one of my main writing scores actually, The Shining.

00:04:02.63

Violet 

no

00:04:05.91

Violet 

is Oh, I could go on forever.

00:04:07.26

wednesdayleefriday

Just to have on while I'm working.

00:04:09.14

Violet 

Yeah, it's so good.

00:04:09.71

wednesdayleefriday

Please. Oh no, um that's that's really interesting because I consider music to be one of the more visceral mediums to to intake because I can't make it.

00:04:18.07

Violet 

Definitely.

00:04:20.67

wednesdayleefriday

I cannot make music with any sense of of goodness or professionalism or or technical proficiency.

00:04:23.97

Violet 

I'm the same way.

00:04:28.47

wednesdayleefriday

So it it has that kind of mystery for me, but I did a deep dive once just in terms of ah I was trying to figure out why music and minor keys made me sad.

00:04:40.37

wednesdayleefriday

And you know like regardless of of whether there's lyrics or whatever, like I just knew that minor keys made me feel off and sad. And it turns out that, yeah, it's a whole thing with like vibrations and you know like white noise and green noise. like When you you do the the deep dive on that, there is a scientific basis for why different kinds of music and different individual notes make us feel different things.

00:05:09.27

wednesdayleefriday

And those assholes that compose music for horror movies, boy, they twist it in. But it's also like there are those those certain horror movies like Audition or The Birds that don't have a soundtrack.

00:05:14.29

Violet 

Right.

00:05:23.28

wednesdayleefriday

And it's sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, because I would say that The Birds obviously is still terrifying, despite not having a soundtrack, because the soundtrack is The Birds.

00:05:32.06

Violet 

and you

00:05:37.24

wednesdayleefriday

But with a movie like Audition, the first time I watched Audition, have you seen Audition, the the Asian film?

00:05:42.19

Violet 

I don't think so, no.

00:05:43.51

wednesdayleefriday

Okay, it doesn't have any sound, but the whole thing is terrifying. it's a very There's a very long torture scene, you know, the whole but second half of the movie is basically torture, torture, torture.

00:05:55.73

wednesdayleefriday

And because I was kind of high and my mind kept wandering, I like completely missed the ending because there was no music. And it occurred to me that at that point, like in the the high point of the film, that the music does so much heavy lifting in most films, you know, that, right.

00:06:11.45

Violet 

absolutely to drive you to the experience and the and the culmination of the plot or the the climax right and you well yeah you have to pay attention and yeah it's so powerful it's so powerful how much that sound works and i'm like you i i'm not a music maker either i have no talents in that realm at all

00:06:20.05

wednesdayleefriday

and And if it's not there as a viewer, you have to try. you know It actually takes effort.

00:06:36.88

Violet 

And I, when you said, you know, it's cause it's like a mystery or like, cause it's not your thing, that totally resonates too. Because it's so beyond me how it's magic, how they do that.

00:06:49.88

wednesdayleefriday

Yeah, it it really is. And it's also music, you know, has a whole like mathematical element to it, which also like that's my worst subject. I'm i'm typically girly in that way.

00:07:00.00

Violet 

Me too.

00:07:01.99

wednesdayleefriday

You know, I'm i'm bad with math.

00:07:03.80

Violet 

Yeah.

00:07:05.00

wednesdayleefriday

Um, do you

00:07:05.09

Violet 

Yeah, in high school, I had a kick where I was convinced I had read somewhere about the mathematical connection to classical music. And i the article I'd read sort of suggested in a roundabout way that listening to classical music could stimulate the same part of your brain that can solve mathematical problems. And I was so pissed poor at math. There was like a whole semester I just fell asleep to Mozart every night. Just praying, I would wake up with a math brain.

00:07:35.75

Violet 

able to do it.

00:07:36.31

wednesdayleefriday

ah oh Wow!

00:07:37.57

Violet 

It did nothing. It did not help. It did not improve. um But I got pretty familiar with Mozart. That was nice.

00:07:44.49

wednesdayleefriday

Have you ever seen the Disney short Donald Duck in Mathematic Land?

00:07:49.32

Violet 

No.

00:07:50.60

wednesdayleefriday

It is on YouTube and I cannot recommend it highly enough. um It might be on Disney Plus too, um but it you gotta watch the Disney Plus though, man. That TOS will get you.

00:08:02.20

wednesdayleefriday

but um

00:08:03.87

Violet 

Oh, God.

00:08:04.14

wednesdayleefriday

it's it It goes through a lot of different things like the the golden ratio and the the just just basic music theory in terms of music and and the scale and notes.

00:08:09.54

Violet 

e

00:08:16.69

wednesdayleefriday

and it's really i mean It's the most I've ever been interested in math because it it shows kids the practical applications of math and why you might want to know it for reasons other than like measuring for carpet or cutting a recipe in half.

00:08:33.02

Violet 

Right.

00:08:33.93

wednesdayleefriday

So it's really interesting in that way. I'll actually send you the link because it's just so great.

00:08:37.19

Violet 

Yeah, that would be great.

00:08:39.41

wednesdayleefriday

So, you know, you like I was saying you and I met because we're both sex writers. um I actually just got terminated Kinkly, the company that bought Kinkly. let everybody know on Friday that all of our contracts were terminated.

00:08:52.29

wednesdayleefriday

So they bought the company just long enough to have us all learn all new programs and all new processes.

00:08:52.23

Violet 

Wow.

00:08:58.52

wednesdayleefriday

And then they said, you know what? We changed our mind. Bye, everyone. But I do still consider myself a sex writer. I'm still at WHI. I don't actually know how you got into sex writing.

00:09:10.08

Violet 

Oh, yeah. ah I mean, it's sort of unceremoniously, to be honest. um I am a person who I've always had a pretty big interest in sex from a sociological point of view. I mean, obviously the physical and all that too, for sure. But like, I like thinking about sex and talking about sex in the in how sex exists as a part of the human condition, uh, politics, like, you know, intersectionality is a beautiful thing. But I sort of fell into it just because I was interested and I started blogging and didn't get a ton of traffic or like really much momentum with that.

00:10:00.29

Violet 

But I did start to meet a lot of people online who were in sort of similar spaces. so I quite quickly went from just sort of documenting my own sort of ideas about sex and sexuality um in a kind of personal dear diary kind of way and then I sort of moved into writing erotica and sort of got involved with a couple of online erotica writing groups and that was pretty cool and sort of did that for a couple of years but again it

00:10:30.91

Violet 

the the bleed over between erotica writers and sex writers and sex bloggers you know there's a lot of mishmash there so i met a lot of other people who were writing a bit more not clinically about sex but less personally and a little bit more in terms of education and knowledge base yeah and and sharing not just their experiences through their own lens but more like this is my experience and like let's

00:10:52.49

wednesdayleefriday

Knowledge base, yep.

00:11:00.99

Violet 

maybe pull out some of the universalities of that and talk about those things. So I started reading more of that kind of sex writer, ultimately. And that was really fascinating to me. And it was fascinating to me that these people were writing so passionately and so confidently from a place just of pure curiosity and knowledge versus, you know, degrees and letters behind their names and doctorates and all the rest of it. Like I was really attracted to how sort of grassroots a lot of, a lot of it was. Now, obviously that comes with the dangers of misinformation and all those other things, but I mean, even the pros do that. So six of one happens to the other, but I really got interested in talking to other people about their experiences.

00:11:56.11

Violet 

in a way that was not salacious, but also not completely clinical. And that's kind of the zone I try to keep sort of all my work in where it isn't so much about me and my experiences, but more about like my experience as a starting point to talk about like your experiences, you the royal you and

00:12:19.65

wednesdayleefriday

Yep, yep.

00:12:23.52

Violet 

I just kept blogging. I just kept writing. I started pitching here and there to various tiny outlets or other bloggers and just getting a little bit of momentum there. um I did write a few things for Kinkly back in the day as well. um I actually stopped working with Kinkly because they a they ran one of their like top 100s or whatever sort of things and there had been some issues in the community that year around a couple of people and they were really highly ranked in that list and I was willing to talk to kinkly about that and they weren't really willing to talk to me about that and I sort of went you know maybe we're just not totally aligned so

00:13:01.80

wednesdayleefriday

Oh, yikes.

00:13:10.08

wednesdayleefriday

I wonder if that was when I was on hiatus from that, because when I moved over to women's health interactive, I really wanted to be on the the bottom end of a startup. You know, I wanted to just just get in there and I took a break from Kinkly because that was my first sex writing job for Kinkly back when they were paying like 25 bucks an article or something, you know?

00:13:28.61

Violet 

Yep, I wrote a few of those too.

00:13:31.58

wednesdayleefriday

right? And it's like, okay, I'm basically getting paid in like tips and free sex toys, but that's okay.

00:13:36.23

Violet 

here yeah

00:13:37.72

wednesdayleefriday

And you know, obviously, I was making a whole lot more recently. But yeah, I ah it It's such a, it's it's kind of a ah weird line because, you know, we're not doctors.

00:13:50.50

Violet 

Nope.

00:13:50.68

wednesdayleefriday

Um, so, but we, we have sex and, but, but moreover than just having it, we think about it and it's really like the thinking about it and the why of like, well, why are women sluts for having lots of sex, but men are like, let's, let's get into that.

00:14:07.73

wednesdayleefriday

Cause that's probably not true, right?

00:14:07.99

Violet 

Yeah.

00:14:09.24

wednesdayleefriday

You're probably all, you know,

00:14:09.46

Violet 

Yeah.

00:14:11.30

wednesdayleefriday

and getting into the why of it and then like sex toys in general because sex toys have just exploded in recent years in terms of like what they can do also what they cost my god um like yeah i

00:14:15.58

Violet 

Mm hmm.

00:14:24.87

Violet 

Yes, that that's its own, that's a whole other blog post.

00:14:29.31

wednesdayleefriday

I would not own a $300 vibrator except that people keep sending them to me. That's why I have them.

00:14:34.52

Violet 

Right?

00:14:35.23

wednesdayleefriday

I, you know, like 80 bucks is is high end for me. Like once you get into like, okay, it's body safe silicone, I'm good.

00:14:39.19

Violet 

Yeah.

00:14:42.60

wednesdayleefriday

But ah yeah, so, but but you were never a sex worker though.

00:14:47.45

Violet 

know No, no, no.

00:14:48.06

wednesdayleefriday

It sounds like, okay, yeah, I actually, I was a phone sex operator in the 90s. I had some mobility issues and I was fresh out of college.

00:14:56.65

Violet 

Mmhmm.

00:14:57.72

wednesdayleefriday

When I got out of college, I majored in broadcast journalism and technical theater. But in Detroit, all the newspapers were shut down. They were all on strike. And I didn't want to be a scab.

00:15:09.02

wednesdayleefriday

So I needed work because I went to a private college and I had, you know, loans and such.

00:15:09.17

Violet 

Right.

00:15:13.67

Violet 

Mmhmm.

00:15:15.26

wednesdayleefriday

And yeah, I was like, you know what, I actually would be using a degree in broadcasting and theater if I was a phone sex operator.

00:15:19.09

Violet 

100%.

00:15:23.50

wednesdayleefriday

Like, that that does apply. um

00:15:26.66

Violet 

Transferable skills.

00:15:28.10

wednesdayleefriday

was not what my mom had in mind for me when she, to to to use her words, when I sent you off to college. um But ah yeah, anyway, I did that for off and on for like five or six years.

00:15:43.48

wednesdayleefriday

And then I stopped and then I started back up again. And then that was how I got into sex writing was that somebody was looking for articles about phone sex. And I said, oh, well, I'm certainly qualified.

00:15:52.58

Violet 

Ah. hey

00:15:55.81

wednesdayleefriday

And they liked my work and they invited me to to come back. And then I started doing like regular, I was covering news for them for a while, which, you know, sex news is just such a great beat. But you actually brought up another interesting point, which is that there's a lot of crossover and also a lot of confusion about the difference between a sex writer and an erotica writer, you know, a romance novelist, like all those different things.

00:16:14.35

Violet 

Mmhmm. Mmhmm.

00:16:21.07

wednesdayleefriday

Not the same thing.

00:16:22.30

Violet 

No.

00:16:22.92

wednesdayleefriday

When I tell people I'm a sex writer, they often assume that I write erotica. And I'm terrible at writing erotica. I am not. I'm actually getting better at it because I've been cyber dating and, you know, having a lot of like filthy chats with random dudes.

00:16:39.31

Violet 

right of course as one does yeah yeah I

00:16:39.59

wednesdayleefriday

And so as one does. um ah But but that's actually helping me get better at just being comfortable with that kind of language, because the writing in erotica Like that the terms people use always to my ear sound either clinical or ridiculous. So I can't, I have a hard time with that aspect of it, but I'm getting more comfortable with it, I think.

00:17:04.57

Violet 

think there's also there's just such a breadth of what's available in erotica i mean it's getting broader all the time it's also getting more niche and more specific all the time like if you you know if you really want to read a story about an autistic werewolf who's also pansexual like you can find it right like and that's super cool that that's out there um but there's there's a lot of

00:17:36.25

Violet 

variety in all of those categories of, I think, romance writers, erotica writers, sex writers. And I've even seen people split the hairs between being a sex writer and being a sex blogger, which, you know, is kind of semantic to me, but I also kind of see the difference.

00:17:53.01

wednesdayleefriday

Yeah.

00:17:53.75

Violet 

I mean, blogging is generally pretty um personally focused, or at least through one's own lens, whereas sex writing, I would say, is a bit

00:18:00.94

wednesdayleefriday

Mm hmm.

00:18:05.83

Violet 

less personal in general but doesn't have to be it can be but it doesn't have to be and to your point we're not doctors right like i put out a a post on my website this week and i circulated it on instagram and threads too and it was about love bombing like how to know if you're being love-bombed and what to do with it and i was so anxious about using

00:18:08.12

wednesdayleefriday

It can be sure.

00:18:24.63

wednesdayleefriday

oh

00:18:34.60

Violet 

the information, the the word narcissism in that anywhere because narcissism is such a word that's bandied about right now and misused and misunderstood. But love bombing is literally the first step in what's called a narcissistic abuse cycle.

00:18:47.20

wednesdayleefriday

Well. Mm hmm.

00:18:51.83

Violet 

Very real stuff, easy information to find, but there was part of me that went like, who the hell do I think I am using all these clinical terms?

00:19:02.62

Violet 

I'm just some sex writer. And then I went, no, I'm just, I'm aggregating information that already exists and putting it together in a way that other people can take and and use.

00:19:12.49

wednesdayleefriday

Well, yeah, I mean.

00:19:14.91

Violet 

And it, but it was like a real moment for me of like, I, we don't have to know everything to do this job. Like, you know, you don't have to be an absolute expert in every single area of sex and sexuality.

00:19:28.39

wednesdayleefriday

Well, and it's.

00:19:29.45

Violet 

Cause you couldn't be.

00:19:31.37

wednesdayleefriday

It's just as valid to learn by reading and discussing with your peers as it is to have a lecture in a lecture hall.

00:19:39.05

Violet 

Exactly.

00:19:39.41

wednesdayleefriday

You know, the fact that it didn't cost you $10,000 a year to get that information doesn't mean that the information is any less valid. You know, once you've read the DSM four or five, whatever it is now.

00:19:51.57

wednesdayleefriday

Once you've read the DSM, you know what's in it. So you have a grasp of the information.

00:19:54.65

Violet 

Yeah.

00:19:57.72

wednesdayleefriday

Sure. you You may not know as much as someone who went to medical school, but as long as you're not claiming that you do, I mean, you're not diagnosing people.

00:20:02.23

Violet 

Well, exactly.

00:20:04.48

wednesdayleefriday

It's not like you're writing prescriptions on the internet. So, you know, which is a shame, but, but it right.

00:20:08.83

Violet 

Yeah. I mean, things could get a lot more interesting if I did, but yeah, exactly. So the idea of like, um, expertise and, you know, being legit in this sort of world is also, I think, part of that conversation about where those things all kind of blend together, you know, from fiction erotica to sex writing to blogging to, you know, like, you you know, there are some fine lines there for sure.

00:20:29.89

wednesdayleefriday

Yep, yep.

00:20:37.61

wednesdayleefriday

Well, and I think.

00:20:38.17

Violet 

But at the end of the day, if everyone's navigating them ethically as in, I'm going to do my damnedest not to spread misinformation. And if I don't know something, I will seek an answer instead of making up a lie.

00:20:46.23

wednesdayleefriday

Mm hmm.

00:20:50.27

Violet 

As long as we're doing that, I think we're all pretty okay.

00:20:55.62

wednesdayleefriday

I'm gonna say something really sexist here, which is that I think that the industry of sex writing as we do it, because it is dominated by women, there is, in a broad sense, less ego, more cooperation, and and more i sincere parsing of the issues as opposed to people trying to one-up each other.

00:20:58.02

Violet 

Do it.

00:21:19.07

wednesdayleefriday

And I'm not saying it isn't there, or that like men aren't capable of that. But I think that when you have a really woman centered community like that, and that of obviously means all women, but, uh, well, because, you know, like when we have team meetings, it's so unusual for people to insist on talking over each other.

00:21:27.89

Violet 

Mm hmm.

00:21:39.79

Violet 

Mm hmm.

00:21:42.98

wednesdayleefriday

because there's, i well, I won't say why. We all know why, right, ladies? um But I think that, that well, in the sex industry in general, you know, traditionally, I think sex workers get looked down on because it's one of the only industries where women consistently make more money than men and men can't stand it. They can't stand that they have to pay for things they think they should be given for free and all that there.

00:22:13.41

wednesdayleefriday

But then when you get into sex writing, I think that women might be more invested in spreading good knowledge about sexuality, not just for overall good health, but because women are more likely to reap benefits, both physical and emotional, when everybody is is better informed.

00:22:36.62

wednesdayleefriday

Whereas I think society set up in such a way that men get ah away with a whole lot of bullshit.

00:22:36.75

Violet 

absolutely I completely agree

00:22:42.95

wednesdayleefriday

And women really don't. And we're, I think, I don't want to say we're taking back our power, but I think we're directing the conversation in new ways that it needs to go.

00:22:54.65

wednesdayleefriday

And there are people that are really threatened by that. But yeah, I think, well, and you actually are not just in the writing end, you're also in the the design end of of the sex industry.

00:23:06.17

wednesdayleefriday

Tell us about that.

00:23:07.66

Violet 

Yeah, short stint as a dildo designer. um I ended up doing, it was actually a really exciting process and it was about a year kind of end to end. I started working with a company called Freely Toys and they were a really fabulous company out of Montreal. And the team, it was a very small team and they were all engineers. And their idea was let's create a way for people to design their own sex toys and we'll figure out how to create some sort of design front end that's really usable by an everyday person, not just an engineer and give people, you know, limited range to design whatever they want. Such a cool idea. So they had reached out to me to ask me if I wanted to design

00:24:05.11

Violet 

a dildo for myself and then review it. And they were focusing on five particular designs at the time. So they asked that I use one of those designs as a starting point and then sort of modulate it.

00:24:18.67

Violet 

They had this really amazing interface that was like similar to like a CAD machine, like architects and stuff use. So it was like this 3D modeling program.

00:24:27.33

wednesdayleefriday

Okay.

00:24:29.68

Violet 

And basically you just, you were building like the profile, so how the outside edge worked of like where the wumps and the bumps and everything were. So it was really this fun program. You could just sort of sit there and tweak and tweak and tweak and make all kinds of crazy shapes. They had a whole gallery of like fun recognizable shapes of things they'd made. You know, they made one that was like a wine bottle, one that was like a Christmas tree, one that was like a snowman. Like you could do anything. It was really cool.

00:25:01.99

wednesdayleefriday

Wow.

00:25:02.30

Violet 

so I loved it immediately, loved the technology, was super pumped, designed myself an incredible dildo, reviewed it for them, loved it. Everything was great. And so I was working with them in their affiliate program, that kind of stuff. And then they reached out again and said, Hey, so we're doing this other thing where we were connecting with, uh, sex writers and sex workers and, you know, people in this industry.

00:25:32.43

Violet 

who know what they're looking for in sex toys and kind of know what other people are looking for to completely design our own toy. So the idea was, I think there were five or six of us in the end that did it.

00:25:46.72

Violet 

um Are you familiar? Do you know Luna Matadas?

00:25:49.82

wednesdayleefriday

yep

00:25:49.82

Violet 

She's a, yeah, so she did one too. um And interestingly, we bought each other's toys to review each other's toys. So that was fine as well. Um, so yeah, there were about six of us, I think in the end, that got to do it.

00:26:03.80

Violet 

And we completely designed our own toys from the ground up. Um, you know, named them, gave them, you know, not backstories, but lore, like the reason behind, you know, what we were doing and what we were designing.

00:26:14.69

wednesdayleefriday

yeah Nice.

00:26:18.30

Violet 

And, and it was fascinating also to see the different approaches that we took, like Luna's was focused on being a pegging de lo. So she really focused on the design being, you know, sort of long, slender, tapered with, you know, a knot. I think it has two knots in it. You know, so she was like really thinking about like, what works best for pegging? What do people want? What's good for the pegger and the peggy? So from that point of view, my toy, I wanted to create something that was very accessible, but also interesting. So I wanted it to feel

00:26:58.47

Violet 

really good without being intimidating. So I named mine Harlow after Jean Harlow, the actor, actress of the 30s, because I see her as like, I mean she's obviously a total icon, but I really see her as sort of being the, for her time and her era, she was sort of the crux of

00:27:05.87

wednesdayleefriday

Yeah.

00:27:23.05

Violet 

femininity as well as sexual liberation so I was trying to capture that in my dildo and which sounds really out there I know but so in the end Harlow was you know a very accessible easy to use but interesting to use dildo and

00:27:30.55

wednesdayleefriday

Yeah, okay.

00:27:36.04

wednesdayleefriday

thank

00:27:50.11

Violet 

you know I didn't sell thousands of them or anything. I can't remember how many we sold in the end. But you know all of us managed to sell some of you know the dildos that we designed. Unfortunately, freely then, after about a year, they changed their model. So they're no longer front customer facing. They're doing wholesale ah for like a limited selection of toys, none of which were the ones that we, the writers and sex workers,

00:28:20.71

wednesdayleefriday

Oh, that's too bad.

00:28:20.94

Violet 

made up ourselves too bad, but um it was such a cool experience. I mean, it was so cool. It was amazing to be asked to do that, like so cool.

00:28:31.86

wednesdayleefriday

Oh yeah, I bet so.

00:28:33.95

Violet 

And it was really fun to think my way through that. I mean, again, as someone who just likes thinking about sex and sexuality, you know,

00:28:45.73

Violet 

really going like, okay, well, like, what do I want this to mean? What do I want it to kind of stand for? What do I want it to be like? How do I want it to feel?

00:28:52.35

wednesdayleefriday

yeah i mean

00:28:54.01

Violet 

who's Who would use this? Who's the person I'm sort of making this for? And all of those questions were, I mean, totally fascinating and fun to work through.

00:29:05.13

Violet 

And then to actually have a physical, tangible, representation of all that thought and all that philosophy and all those decisions was really, really exciting in a way that's, I mean, like I don't have children, but it I mean, it must be like what giving birth feels like.

00:29:15.28

wednesdayleefriday

Yeah, I mean...

00:29:26.29

wednesdayleefriday

yeah I bet it feels a little bit better than giving birth.

00:29:31.41

Violet 

I mean, I sure hope so. But yeah, it was really exciting to to bring that forth into the world.

00:29:34.66

wednesdayleefriday

Yeah, I would not know. I wonder, so ah have you thought about pitching other companies? Cause there's so many small companies that are doing, I mean, there's mystery vibe who has like that fleet of reviewers that that does their product testing for the, their CLF, you know, cute little fuckers.

00:29:48.75

Violet 

ye

00:29:55.31

wednesdayleefriday

And I think they're actually a Canadian company and they're great.

00:29:55.66

Violet 

who

00:29:58.27

wednesdayleefriday

And I bet they are getting taking pictures cause wow, they're, they're so innovative. I got one of their, um. For review, we we reviewed a bunch of different bullet vibes and they have one that looks, I mean it sounds gross but it looks like a stale and it's so cute.

00:30:13.42

wednesdayleefriday

It's just, I mean, they are not lying, they are cute little fuckers for sure.

00:30:15.02

Violet 

Yeah.

00:30:17.64

wednesdayleefriday

but i hope

00:30:17.62

Violet 

That's so cute.

00:30:18.75

wednesdayleefriday

I hope that you do that. I hope that you keep like pitching your ideas because, I mean, dildo philosophy sounds hilarious, but it's actually pretty important to people that are trying to be like serious about their sex life.

00:30:28.56

Violet 

I think so, yeah.

00:30:31.64

wednesdayleefriday

Well, and I mean, when you talk about dildos, like there's safety issues involved. There are a lot of people that don't understand things like, Oh, it's in two different parts.

00:30:35.82

Violet 

Absolutely.

00:30:40.32

wednesdayleefriday

So if it's a cheap piece of garbage, maybe you don't want to use something that has multiple parts. Or, ah you know, bad materials, like people don't know why jelly rubber is bad or what to watch out for.

00:30:53.17

wednesdayleefriday

Or, you know, flared bases and everything that can happen if you don't have a flared base, you know, is what.

00:30:55.69

Violet 

Oh.

00:31:00.10

Violet 

And I think sometimes those basic things, like sometimes I feel like I'm repeating myself so many times because like, how many times have I, well, exactly.

00:31:08.87

wednesdayleefriday

But don't know.

00:31:11.05

Violet 

And then I forget like, this is common knowledge for us.

00:31:14.47

wednesdayleefriday

Right.

00:31:15.16

Violet 

You know, we don't even think about those things, but for other people, they're revelations and those revelations can keep them safe, keep them healthy, keep them happy.

00:31:20.30

wednesdayleefriday

yeah

00:31:26.79

Violet 

keep them feeling positive about, you know, how they're unpacking and moving through sex and their sexuality. Like, so yeah, like dildo philosophy sounds nuts, but it's like putting thought behind products. And I mean, products also, I think being like the things that we write the, you know, the projects that we produce.

00:31:50.22

Violet 

you know, the more we're sort of thinking about that and trying to focus on, or at least I do, I try and focus on like a very greater good kind of feel with everything that I do.

00:32:01.76

Violet 

Like who is this going to impact? How can I do that in a way that's positive without taking away from anything else? And how can I represent everything fairly? Those are kind of my big questions.

00:32:10.15

wednesdayleefriday

Totally, totally. Well, and one of the biggest parts of that, to to my mind, is removing shame from things.

00:32:18.55

Violet 

Mmm.

00:32:18.93

wednesdayleefriday

And I'll tell you that I did a couple years ago, I did, was it was it just last year? Anyway, a series of videos about DIY flashlights and how you could make a pocket pussy from something that you have around your house.

00:32:33.15

wednesdayleefriday

Um, and this was, you know, before the, the JD Vance rumor just exploded couch fucking and, and threw that into the lexicon. Cause a lot of them are things like, you know, you need yeah a glove, a condom, two sponges and a Pringles can let's go gentlemen.

00:32:49.58

wednesdayleefriday

Let's do this thing.

00:32:49.71

Violet 

Yeah.

00:32:50.81

wednesdayleefriday

And, and you prop it up in your couch. And the thing is that like. People want to laugh at that. And yeah, it's funny, haha, because sex is inherently funny. You know, we giggle about it because people are afraid to talk about it even though everybody does it. It's like a new, wide news, ah local news, and they try to talk about weed and they can't do it without laughing because it's just, you know, you you have to laugh when you talk about it.

00:33:17.04

wednesdayleefriday

But there are a lot of reasons why people need that information. For one thing, they may not go looking for it. So, you know, or they may not know it's out there, you know, because even YouTube doesn't show people sex videos. You have to go looking for them. But that whole series, like, I have teenage boys that are my fans now because they're like,

00:33:43.83

wednesdayleefriday

Well, because you hear from people and I'll hear from total strangers like, I tried this and it didn't work. Why didn't it work? Like, oh, you have to microwave it for longer. And the thing that you use to make the mold has to be smaller than your penis, not bigger.

00:34:00.98

wednesdayleefriday

like

00:34:01.19

Violet 

Right.

00:34:02.16

wednesdayleefriday

because we did the the one that like it's like a you cornstarch and you use a mug and then you put a hot dog in it to to you know for it wait for it to get hard and then you can use it but if you think you're being some kind of badass and you use a giant cucumber well that's not going to be as enjoyable for you later how does that go you got to tie a board around your ass before oh I'm so crass but uh

00:34:07.71

Violet 

Yeah.

00:34:19.27

Violet 

You're gonna throw a hot dog down the hallway. and Yeah.

00:34:32.46

wednesdayleefriday

But I'd like actually to get into your your diagnosis a little bit. Now I know that you you live with ah anxiety, ah with with some trauma in your past, some PTSD. um I wonder if you could tell us, like as Americans, we have a harder time getting diagnosed because mental health treatment just isn't available. Insurance doesn't not always cover it. You know, doctors, it's very hard to find a doctor that is taking new patients and can take your insurance.

00:35:00.89

wednesdayleefriday

is Is that what's going on in Canada too?

00:35:04.83

Violet 

It's a bit different here. The way the Canadian healthcare care system works is you can basically be anybody that needs healthcare. You can walk into a hospital.

00:35:18.16

Violet 

You can be seen, cared to cared for, and you can leave. And very few bills exist for that because we are pay paying into universal health care, which is managed both federally and provincially. So different provinces, the equivalent of states, manage that differently, have different funding, et cetera. So my mental health experience has happened in two provinces and they've been very different.

00:35:48.46

Violet 

So the first province, yeah, it's quite interesting, actually.

00:35:49.02

wednesdayleefriday

Oh.

00:35:52.39

Violet 

the The first province was British Columbia, so the West Coast. um I lived in Vancouver, which is, I mean, people haven't been able to get a family doctor in Vancouver in a really long time.

00:36:06.88

Violet 

Like, there's definitely a shortage of doctors.

00:36:08.76

wednesdayleefriday

What?

00:36:10.98

Violet 

in BC, which is tough. And I was lucky in that um I stayed with my family doctor that I had from childhood and sort of grew up with her.

00:36:23.42

Violet 

She wasn't a great doctor, to be totally honest.

00:36:26.10

wednesdayleefriday

yeah

00:36:27.18

Violet 

Not at all. She had a terrible, terrible bedside manner and wasn't the great greatest listener, but I did find that when it came to issues of mental health there, it was always available. You didn't have to go looking for it. Like if you, how do I explain this better? Like if you went in for something completely unrelated to your mental health and through the conversation with your doctor, you started talking about things that were more mental health, filled they they'll go there with you.

00:37:04.90

Violet 

It isn't really like you're not constantly getting referred out somewhere else. GPs are, are willing and able to start that process with you. So she started that process with me and I didn't start taking any medication for mental health and mental illness until 2017.

00:37:15.51

wednesdayleefriday

ah

00:37:19.04

wednesdayleefriday

Huh.

00:37:29.32

Violet 

Actually, sorry, late 2016 and pardon me.

00:37:31.92

wednesdayleefriday

How old were you for that? How old were you?

00:37:35.79

Violet 

Oh, mid 30s, 35, 37, something like that.

00:37:37.51

wednesdayleefriday

Okay.

00:37:39.42

Violet 

And it was really interesting because I was not particularly willing at first to go the route of medication.

00:37:51.60

wednesdayleefriday

How come?

00:37:55.26

Violet 

The beliefs of my parents, primarily, um I had really been raised with a lot of like looking back, like really, really fucked up views on health and wellness and bodies and all those things.

00:38:10.72

Violet 

And I think mental health medication was seen as something for crazy people or for people who just kind of weren't strong enough or smart enough to push through, right?

00:38:25.88

wednesdayleefriday

Uh huh.

00:38:27.34

Violet 

That sort of,

00:38:28.80

wednesdayleefriday

I see.

00:38:28.87

Violet 

I mean, I don't want to be all ah boomers, but I mean, they're boomers, right? it's It's a different way of, it's a point of view.

00:38:33.36

wednesdayleefriday

No, no. And that's, that's the thing that like, there there is the, yeah, that, that like suffering is good for you and feeling like shit makes you stronger.

00:38:39.30

Violet 

who

00:38:41.06

wednesdayleefriday

And and that's why it's okay to be mean to people. Cause you're toughening them up and yeah, it's very toxic mindset.

00:38:43.60

Violet 

who Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. And I, you know, there had just been many times growing up where, you know, I'd heard them or seen them speak about other people who were,

00:38:58.76

Violet 

you know, who took medications, like there's that movie in the 90s, Prozac Nation, early 2000s, and I just remember the litany of, you know, the kind of person who would do, who would take Prozac, who you'd have to be to take antidepressants, what that would mean about you as a person, like how screwed up you must be, how...

00:39:24.05

wednesdayleefriday

Well, and there are people that feel that way about therapy in general, that it's not only is it admitting defeat, but that it means there's something wrong with you that you have to, you know, admit that you need, like it's AA or something.

00:39:27.53

Violet 

For sure.

00:39:36.24

wednesdayleefriday

Like you have to say, i'm I'm bad, I'm broken, please fix me, which is so not it.

00:39:40.30

Violet 

Yeah. And that you have to like label yourself with it. You have to be like, Oh, I'm one of those.

00:39:44.15

wednesdayleefriday

Mm-hmm.

00:39:45.65

Violet 

I'm one of them. And you know, so that stigma is heavy shit, right? And that was really, I think I'd always kind of heard that in the back of my head. And I also, I did know people who had taken antidepressants and had a really hard time with them, like really felt uh, you know, like really numb and like they lost their personality and they didn't kind of know who they were anymore.

00:40:12.16

Violet 

And other people were, you know, made uncomfortable by those changes in them. And, you know, just, it starts to become a lot of static that you kind of go like, Oh, I don't want that. I, maybe I don't feel that bad because that sounds worse.

00:40:27.82

Violet 

Being that person would be worse.

00:40:28.12

wednesdayleefriday

And did you But you changed your mind about that or I guess you you came to another understanding is is probably more accurate

00:40:34.85

Violet 

I did and it was a really interesting moment and I remember it very specifically because my doctor who was not, like I said, not such a great doctor, but in this moment she did, I think she did the right thing and somehow it hit, like it just landed for me. We were talking about mood and energy and she was sort of, I don't know if she could kind of tell or whatever, ah whatever I was in there talking to her about.

00:41:02.97

Violet 

uh, sort of tipped her off and we were talking a bit about energy and mood and sort of managing the ups and downs. And she said, well, what would it be like? Like, that doesn't sound totally ideal. Like, what would it be like? What's your ideal? Like, what, what would good be? If you're not feeling great right now, what would good be? And I said, well, I mean, I, I'd be happy.

00:41:30.85

wednesdayleefriday

What does that feel like?

00:41:32.49

Violet 

Well, first of all, yes. And then she said, happy is only one emotion. And the goal should never be to only feel one thing. Like living your life is about feeling the good things and the bad things, but you don't have to do that to your own detriment. And that idea of simply just not chasing happiness,

00:42:02.78

Violet 

and just opening up to the idea that like, A, your existence, not to mention just the realities of the chemical human brain, we can't be happy all the time.

00:42:13.00

Violet 

So of course, why is that the goal? And all that shame and all that stigma and all those words that I had like digested from my parents kind of fell into place and I could see them for what they were.

00:42:16.77

wednesdayleefriday

Right.

00:42:29.41

Violet 

Cause I was like, why? Yeah, why? Why do I? Why is happy the only goal? And there's so much other stuff to feel, to think, to experience, to be you know a part of.

00:42:44.71

Violet 

And happiness is certainly not all of it. And happiness within itself is totally nuanced. So she and I have this really interesting kind of talk about ideals versus realities and how adjusting expectations can actually put you in a much more comfortable place.

00:42:50.46

wednesdayleefriday

yeah

00:43:03.25

Violet 

But if you're always seeking happy, you're unlikely to find comfortable.

00:43:09.11

Violet 

And so she sort of explained how SSRIs work. She drew me a cute little diagram of, of synapses and, you know, sarah read around yeah and I've literally redrawn that diagram to explain to other people, it's a great analogy.

00:43:14.89

wednesdayleefriday

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

00:43:22.19

wednesdayleefriday

i'm I'm familiar with that diagram, actually.

00:43:28.70

Violet 

But, you know, she showed me sort of, how it worked, what it meant, what it could do. And she just sort of said, like, are you are you open? Because I feel like you're a good candidate for this particular drug. um And, you know, if you're interested in seeing if it makes you feel different or better or just neutral, even getting to zero, like, let's just get you out of the negatives, right? And I tried it, right?

00:44:01.36

Violet 

was like, well, if I hate it, can I stop? And she said, yeah, you know, stopping is a bit tricky. It takes a little while, but you know, like if you're willing to give it six months to see how you feel with this, you might find it's really different. And you know, I just, I took the leap and it was not perfect. It took, um, took a couple of years to get that cocktail totally balanced and to a place where it really worked. What was interesting, though, is when I moved out of British Columbia, where that doctor was, to Alberta, where I am now, and how vastly different my experience with mental health was here. Because in BC, I found it was there. If you wanted it, it wasn't hard to find. But here, as soon as I connected with a doctor, like as soon as I found a family doctor,

00:44:55.70

Violet 

she was all over it. And like and like I don't live in a big city.

00:44:58.96

wednesdayleefriday

Wow.

00:45:02.23

Violet 

like There's only about 25,000 people in this town. And we have an urgent care that has an entire mental health and addictions facility.

00:45:12.08

wednesdayleefriday

Wow.

00:45:12.19

Violet 

like Yeah.

00:45:14.31

wednesdayleefriday

That's amazing.

00:45:14.25

Violet 

so And no cost. No cost. So for the next five years, I went to therapy every week, didn't pay a cent. And between my doctor and my therapist, well, I was seeing a therapist, a psychiatrist and my family doctor. And my family doctor was really a fan of my psychiatrist being the prescriber. Cause she was like, look, this isn't my specialty by any means. Like I know the basics. I could be like, this may be a better way. So that was great. The psychiatrist took over the prescribing on that. She ended up retiring. And so now it's back on my GP.

00:45:55.79

Violet 

which in the end is fine because everything's kind of, like from a medication point of view, kind of sorted it out.

00:45:59.73

wednesdayleefriday

Well, yeah, once you once you figure it out, you can. Yeah.

00:46:03.14

Violet 

Yeah, little variations here and there. But I just found it really interesting. Moving to Alberta, which if you don't know, um in Canada, we refer to Alberta as the Texas of Canada.

00:46:15.81

Violet 

It's literally the most conservative province. um It is the least. or definitely one of the very least like LGBTQIA plus friendly, lots of conservatives, lots of dare I say rednecks.

00:46:32.63

Violet 

Um, you know, that's the vibe here. That's the vibe.

00:46:36.37

wednesdayleefriday

Now, i i I feel compelled to point out that in Texas, it is illegal to own more than six dildos.

00:46:36.65

Violet 

It's very white. It's very straight. It's very Christian. It's very conservative.

00:46:49.20

wednesdayleefriday

You can have as many guns as you goddamn want, but it is against the law.

00:46:49.93

Violet 

Uh,

00:46:52.64

wednesdayleefriday

Oh, I don't know if you heard, there was a whole protest at, I don't remember which Texas university, but people were open carrying their dildos and it was hilarious.

00:47:01.66

Violet 

Oh my god, that is an open carry dildo.

00:47:03.97

wednesdayleefriday

yeah

00:47:06.41

Violet 

I love it.

00:47:08.16

wednesdayleefriday

Right?

00:47:08.44

Violet 

That's wild.

00:47:08.72

wednesdayleefriday

Right?

00:47:09.01

Violet 

And why six?

00:47:11.81

wednesdayleefriday

i yeah I don't know how I think because six is is the beginning of 69 and it's inherently dirty. yeah I really don't know how one would arrive at that number. um

00:47:20.86

Violet 

I mean, I have small hands. I don't think I could hold six dildos all at once.

00:47:24.76

wednesdayleefriday

Right?

00:47:25.19

Violet 

Oh.

00:47:26.49

wednesdayleefriday

i'm sure I'm sure it's for parties, but one thing I do want to bring up though with regard to medication is I was waiting for you to say something that you in fact did not say because what convinces a lot of people to give ah psychiatric medications a try is the concept that mental health is the only time that people will say things like, if you're if you know you're giving up or you're not trying and that's why you're using medication. you know No one says to a diabetic, well, look, you could probably control your insulin if you applied yourself because no, you need medication. You don't tell someone with a broken leg, well, maybe if you were a little tougher, you wouldn't need those crutches. Come on, man, why are you giving up on yourself?

00:48:13.80

Violet 

right right

00:48:14.22

wednesdayleefriday

so So that that is what I was waiting for. And it's like both surprising and impressive that you didn't even require that to to take the leap to to get medication. So was your initial diagnosis accurate?

00:48:27.73

wednesdayleefriday

Because it sounds like you needed to tweak your meds after a time, but that can happen with an accurate or an inaccurate diagnosis either way.

00:48:34.92

Violet 

Right, right.

00:48:35.69

wednesdayleefriday

Like I was initially, it another I was diagnosed with ah depression.

00:48:35.97

Violet 

the

00:48:42.52

Violet 

Yeah, same.

00:48:42.83

wednesdayleefriday

when in fact I have, I'm i'm bipolar one. So i they gave me Wellfutrin, which is a stimulant, and it sent me into a manic episode, and it was terrible, and it was much, much worse than what I had already been going through.

00:48:46.18

Violet 

Right.

00:48:49.86

Violet 

who

00:48:57.12

wednesdayleefriday

um What was your experience like?

00:48:59.74

Violet 

Yeah, my first my first drug was Zoloft. And I still take it. I take it in a very different dose than I did in the beginning, um much less now.

00:49:12.94

Violet 

But yeah, the that sort of first meeting with my doctor when she, you know, drew me the diagram and kind of broke it all down for me. I remember leaving that appointment and going, did I just get diagnosed with something? Like not knowing what it took to be diagnosed or if she had made a diagnosis, she certainly hadn't said I am diagnosing you thus. um But we had talked about depression, generalized depression. And then as a bit of time went on and there were more of those conversations and pretty much directly after getting medicated, I started going back to therapy. I hadn't been in therapy since I was in my early twenties, late teens. And so I immediately started going back to therapy, found a new therapist. He was so amazing. Really wish I

00:50:09.23

Violet 

could have just taken him with me when I moved to provinces. He was amazing. But um yeah, it was Zoloft, ah quite a high dose. And I didn't love it at first. It was, I definitely felt altered.

00:50:28.07

Violet 

But you know, as someone who does recreational drugs too, I wasn't, you know, very necessarily afraid of that, but I was very aware.

00:50:36.09

wednesdayleefriday

Mm hmm.

00:50:36.16

Violet 

Like i I could feel it, but I could feel the good and the bad. I could feel, you know, how it was making some things easier and I could feel how some things weren't changing. So it, you know, as I think it should be, it became an ongoing conversation, you know, between my therapist and my doctor at the time.

00:50:53.81

Violet 

um When I moved, to Alberta and change doctors, change therapists, and the psychiatrists. That's when things got a bit more diagnostic. In part because I, at the time, i I wasn't looking for a diagnosis in the sense of, you know, label me so I have an an excuse for why things are how they are. But I wanted some definitive terms because I wanted to be able to walk away and go and read about it.

00:51:23.08

Violet 

Like I wanted to know what what I was actually dealing with and what that looks like kind of on the books. You know, knowing my experience is my own, but like, you know, different mental illnesses appear very differently.

00:51:37.23

Violet 

Like, you know, you can't compare like, you know, mild anxiety with schizophrenia.

00:51:37.70

wednesdayleefriday

who

00:51:42.68

Violet 

They're not the same at all. And if you're told you have one, you totally,

00:51:43.87

wednesdayleefriday

Well, and they present differently at different times too, because i'm I'm sure when I was diagnosed with depression, it's because I was presenting as depressed. I mean, i I don't think they made that up out of nowhere, but also I think if you have a new doctor or you have a doctor who doesn't listen to women, which was something that I went through a lot,

00:51:55.92

Violet 

Exactly.

00:52:06.59

wednesdayleefriday

They may not hear you when you explain what's happening.

00:52:09.76

Violet 

who

00:52:10.67

wednesdayleefriday

And that can lead to so many bad things. I mean, not just misdiagnoses and mis, uh, you know, prescribing inappropriate medications or keeping people on medications when they're telling you, no, these side effects are not work. Like I took a medication once I went to sleep, I woke up and I thought that it was five years previous and I started getting ready to it for a job that I had not had in years.

00:52:37.78

wednesdayleefriday

And it scared the shit out of my husband.

00:52:37.91

Violet 

wow you haven't worked there for half a decade well block the irony of it being blockbuster that's that's like a time warp

00:52:40.01

wednesdayleefriday

Cause I'm like, where is my blockbuster shirt? Where is it? He's like, you don't work at blockbuster anymore. There are no blockbusters. What are you saying?

00:52:53.72

wednesdayleefriday

Right. Right. Yeah. I guess I'll go to burger chef next. Um, but, um, so you are a writer, so you work from home.

00:53:07.43

wednesdayleefriday

Um, I know that that is, uh, that's pretty common with a lot of neurodivergent people, but also people with anxiety and agoraphobia. Is that, was that like a joyful convergence for you or is that something but like ah a place where you landed?

00:53:24.60

Violet 

Oh, not joyful. No, really hard to accept, I would say. Um, yeah, so the, the i'm I would say when I look back at my life, I would say I have always had anxiety and I've always had depression as far as back as I can remember.

00:53:45.59

Violet 

And there were a lot of behaviors as a child, as a teen that nobody recognized as those things and I didn't recognize as those things.

00:53:54.70

wednesdayleefriday

Mm

00:53:54.59

Violet 

But when I look at them now, I'm like, oh, but that's just a different version of the same thing so like the same coping mechanisms I have now. They just look a bit different. so I'm quite sure my mental illness journey has basically been from day one.

00:54:11.26

Violet 

But when I think about like living with mental illness, I'm using big air quotes when I say that, I kind of track that from 2017 to now.

00:54:19.44

wednesdayleefriday

-hmm

00:54:22.44

Violet 

Because that's when i that's when there was medical intervention, that's when um You know, I had a major change in jobs and career, a job I'd been at for more than a decade. um I left as a result of mental illness. And basically, I was at a point where I was burning out and breaking down and everyone around me could see it and I could not. And I had no idea. And it took until my

00:54:54.61

Violet 

manager, my boss at the time said on a Friday afternoon, I don't think you should come back on Monday. I think you should have a long weekend. And I went, Oh God, no, I've got all this stuff to do in like Monday, blah, blah, blah.

00:55:07.58

Violet 

And we've got the such and such. And I'm doing the other thing and then this and that. And she went, yeah, I'm kind of thinking maybe next week is maybe just take. And she was very gently saying like, you, you can't, you can't.

00:55:16.56

wednesdayleefriday

Wow.

00:55:22.64

Violet 

And I couldn't see it. All I could see was my responsibilities, my deliverables, the sort of sunk cost fallacy idea of like how much work I'd put into something.

00:55:33.88

wednesdayleefriday

Right.

00:55:34.10

Violet 

I had this like, we were traveling that week. I had a huge presentation. I was doing this. I had built this workshop for, you know, a group of leaders in the company.

00:55:44.79

Violet 

And it was like, I just, I couldn't hear her saying this to me.

00:55:51.00

wednesdayleefriday

Oh yeah, that's gotta sting, my goodness.

00:55:50.88

Violet 

And, It will, it, it stung later when I finally could hear it. But even in that, that whole meeting, like she convinced me to take a long weekend, but I was sure I was coming back on Tuesday. I'm sure like, why wouldn't I? And frankly, I thought she was a bit nuts for thinking I needed, like I was so, I was not well. And when I look back at it, I can see the people that I was working with, I can see friends, I can see,

00:56:20.95

Violet 

Partners I can and I mean I've talked to friends and partners about it But like I can see how even in that sort of corporate environment it had I'd started to really kind of fall apart and I knew that I was a bit anxious and I was a bit tightly wound about a bunch of things I knew I was working too much and but it was always that kind of like oh well like I just gotta kind of just gotta i get through the second quarter, you know, I just gotta get to just gotta push just gotta push through and

00:56:47.35

wednesdayleefriday

And it's interesting because it sounds like you had a ah pretty good support network at work. that people were paying attention and were aware that something was off with you, but it it doesn't sound like anybody brought it up to you until it reached like a crisis point.

00:57:05.17

Violet 

Yeah, that's cool.

00:57:06.24

wednesdayleefriday

And I just I kind of want to talk about that a little bit because it it sort of demonstrates how well meaning people can really drop the ball on that sort of thing. Now, obviously, it's not your your co-workers responsibility to address your issues, but I think that ah In a lot of cases we see someone struggling and we want to talk about it but we don't even know if it's appropriate to approach you know i do i do this show my show is the mentally odd cast and we talk to people who are neuro divergent and there are people that i want to have on.

00:57:34.09

Violet 

Totally.

00:57:43.30

wednesdayleefriday

that like I can tell that they're probably neurodivergent, but they might not know. And I haven't really found a graceful way to say, hey man, let's talk about all that stuff that you aren't aware of.

00:57:49.16

Violet 

Right.

00:57:57.20

wednesdayleefriday

it you're bright like But the thing is that even though you know I may have a great relationship with someone, a great friendship, it doesn't necessarily mean that I would be comfortable bringing it up or that they would be receptive to me bringing it up.

00:57:57.79

Violet 

Let's be real. Yeah.

00:58:11.82

Violet 

Mm-hmm.

00:58:13.83

wednesdayleefriday

And that's something that like you know we we talk a lot about awareness and what we do in our sex writing. That really needs to be something that is more you know in the mental health community and in society in general. We need to do better. We need to do better checking in with each other.

00:58:33.50

wednesdayleefriday

and And just like, cause I'm actually of the opinion that people should get a yearly mental health exam the way that you would get a physical just to check in and be like, how are you sleeping? How are you, you know, how's your, your anxiety? How's your anger levels? You know, and just take a minute and check in and just doing that the littlest bit and raising self-awareness that much, I think could have a profound impact on that.

00:58:57.34

wednesdayleefriday

and then people would less frequently get into situations where they're just not seeing it. You know, because if if you're having a big problem and you're not seeing it, It's probably because you are so hyper competent in other areas that your focus is such, you know, you have a laser focus on everything you need to do and then anything else falls by the wayside.

00:59:21.20

wednesdayleefriday

And when one of those things is your mental health, yeah, eventually that's, I mean, I just, I mean, I ended up in a mental hospital, like a straight up like, okay, you're going to be on the third floor.

00:59:26.31

Violet 

It catches up. It always catches up.

00:59:34.45

wednesdayleefriday

dot da du

00:59:38.64

Violet 

Yeah, I think for me the I agree with you, certainly was not their responsibility to identify and deal with what I was going through. Um, I think a lot of that with this particular group of people, the role that I played in the, in the company sort of positioned me in such a way that I was the person that people came to when things weren't working for them.

01:00:11.26

Violet 

professionally, personally. So I, it's sort of like how you maybe don't think about like your doctor or your therapist needing to go to a doctor or a therapist.

01:00:25.76

Violet 

You know what I mean? Like you're kind of like, Oh, well they're the person that knows how to fix everybody else.

01:00:26.58

wednesdayleefriday

Uh-huh. Yep.

01:00:29.20

Violet 

They don't have problems. But the reality was I was putting all of my eggs and everybody else's basket had done absolutely no self-care or self self inventory in a really long time because I was way too caught up in the work that I was doing and how in how much frankly how much it became my identity and so when I took I was convinced to take a leave of absence very gently that and I can't say enough how kind everyone was I was very gently encouraged to take a leave of absence

01:01:05.73

Violet 

which by the time we had that conversation, it was maybe the third, fourth, fifth conversation after that long weekend. And it was starting to sink in for me just how far out of orbit I was.

01:01:15.91

wednesdayleefriday

How,

01:01:20.44

wednesdayleefriday

and was that your last job, like out in the work world?

01:01:23.42

Violet 

Yes, yeah. So my identity was so closely tied to that role. And I had worked in that role in that company for so long.

01:01:34.82

Violet 

that when I no longer had that place to go to every day and I no longer had that sort of hat to put on, I had no fucking idea who I was. And the only thing that I felt like I was left with, that felt real, that felt true, that felt actually like something I could tangibly see, was my trauma and my mental illness.

01:02:04.64

Violet 

And at that point, there was nothing for me to do but confront it and start working and start working through it because I didn't have a job.

01:02:15.72

wednesdayleefriday

shit

01:02:18.94

Violet 

I was not able to have a job. And my doctor very clearly said like, do not take this as like a jumping off point to go start doing something radical and get yourself back into something like you need to rest.

01:02:30.95

wednesdayleefriday

Shit!

01:02:35.35

Violet 

Hard to hear, really hard to hear.

01:02:37.71

wednesdayleefriday

Yeah!

01:02:37.81

Violet 

Eventually started hearing it. Found that great therapist. Luck of the draw that he was so great. um But he really was incredible. And he really helped me very quickly identify that my sense of identity and self was so caught up in my job and what I was doing for other people.

01:02:57.39

Violet 

And that that was a good place to start doing not only some exploration, but a lot of rebuilding. And that's when as more came out, as we talked about more trauma, more history, more past, more...

01:03:12.46

Violet 

I mean, he tried to talk about what did I think the future would look like. I had no idea. I couldn't... I wasn't even present. It wasn't even that I couldn't look forward.

01:03:20.98

wednesdayleefriday

Mm hmm.

01:03:22.26

Violet 

I i wasn't even present. I wasn't even in the now. I was just... I was out of it completely. And so very intensive therapy and it was CBT, which cognitive behavioral therapy, which I'm sure you're totally well versed in, but ultimately it's like talk therapy, right?

01:03:35.00

wednesdayleefriday

Mm hmm. Yes.

01:03:41.56

Violet 

And figuring out, you know, what are the bad feelings and how do we feel when we feel them? And how do we transform that feeling into something that's more workable? So that got me to a certain point for sure.

01:03:54.58

wednesdayleefriday

Now, a lot of this, I think, if I'm remembering correctly, this ah comes from trauma during your formative years and and stuff that wasn't really examined until much later.

01:04:02.79

Violet 

Definitely, yeah.

01:04:06.38

wednesdayleefriday

And that's, I think I had a pretty solid understanding that what I went through during my formative years was not right. that it was not like deserved.

01:04:16.17

Violet 

Right.

01:04:17.41

wednesdayleefriday

like i had a you know I thought I was a garbage person, but I didn't think I deserved to be like beaten regularly for it. like I knew even even in that context that like, oh no, this this shouldn't be.

01:04:24.21

Violet 

right

01:04:28.71

wednesdayleefriday

um But does that like do you think that the source of of your trauma, if if indeed that's that's how you you define that, but I mean, does that lead did that lead to a lot of like anger and resentment and did that get in the way of your therapy?

01:04:48.02

Violet 

I wouldn't say it got in the way. I'd absolutely say it was an active part. you know I think when we're looking at trauma, particularly if we're looking at sexual trauma, which is a lot of what was involved in my formative years, I grew up with an alcoholic mother.

01:05:08.46

Violet 

and like a rage-addicted narcissistic father. That was the first eight years of my life.

01:05:15.32

wednesdayleefriday

damn

01:05:16.13

Violet 

um My mother also, when I was five, had ah quite a severe brain aneurysm that left her with some, and I'll say mild disability in the sense that like she seemed absolutely the same, but there were some things, like she lost her short-term memory, she lost,

01:05:34.92

Violet 

a few things that sort of did sort of change her and certainly changed her capacity for being a carer.

01:05:40.42

wednesdayleefriday

Damn. Mmhmm, okay.

01:05:45.32

Violet 

And we'll add poverty as well, poverty and rural living. So isolation, I mean, it's a long list, right? Like there's lots there. And so as that kind of stuff came out of therapy, I started to realize how much first of all, how much I hadn't dealt with, and how much I had invented narratives for myself around those things, I think partly to protect myself, um but also that there were these other layers of narrative that were really um a very obvious source of shame, issues of self-esteem, body dysmorphia,

01:06:35.51

Violet 

I acquired an eating disorder in my teens. like you know So anger and resentment certainly was a part of that landscape and a part of the unpacking.

01:06:49.55

Violet 

For me, I would actually say that anger and resentment at certain points really fueled my self-work and really fueled my commitment to like not get off my meds, to not stop going to therapy, to

01:07:04.00

wednesdayleefriday

you You can't see me, but I'm nodding knowingly right along with this.

01:07:07.41

Violet 

right

01:07:08.28

wednesdayleefriday

It's like, you know what?

01:07:08.59

Violet 

Like, yeah, absolutely.

01:07:09.00

wednesdayleefriday

Fuck you. I will get better just to spite your bitch ass.

01:07:12.62

Violet 

Like, fuck you, fucker. You had no right. And you know what? You want to see how fucking amazing I'm going to be in spite of that? You just, you wait. You know, but I mean, even that, that's not a sustainable source of fuel, you know, it.

01:07:28.15

wednesdayleefriday

Yeah, it burns hot and then it burns out.

01:07:30.21

Violet 

Well, exactly. And so I think a big part for me of unpacking was just sort of learning how to modulate all of those things like how to how to take anger and make it useful like as someone who has experienced childhood sexual assault as well as you know raped as an adult it's you know there's so much talk out there about like You know, the real peace comes from forgiveness and, you know, you've got to work through and let it go.

01:08:03.86

wednesdayleefriday

No, fuck that, sorry.

01:08:06.83

Violet 

I cannot say enough how I don't believe in that. And i I sometimes I get in moods and I throw this one around on threads sometimes just as a single line because I just have to put it back out into the universe again.

01:08:21.85

Violet 

I choose to stay angry and I refuse to be afraid.

01:08:28.39

wednesdayleefriday

Yeah, I mean, that's that's very reasonable. i mean i Don't forgive anyone who's not sorry. You know?

01:08:35.66

Violet 

Oh, exactly, right?

01:08:36.92

wednesdayleefriday

I mean, if if if someone wrongs me, even a very serious wrong, if they come to me with a sincere like acknowledgement of what was done and an apology and a promise to do better and then doing better in the future, sure, I can let a whole lot of shit go, because I'm kind of nuts.

01:08:52.10

Violet 

Totally. Completely different.

01:08:56.55

wednesdayleefriday

So sometimes I will say things that are straight up not cool to people I love and then later have to go back and be like, I'm sorry, but you know,

01:09:05.55

Violet 

oh yeah

01:09:07.16

wednesdayleefriday

But you I mean, you have to take responsibility for that shit. And if people don't, you know, I mean, there are people in my life that like 30 years has gone by and they're like, well, I don't remember remember you being hit as a child.

01:09:21.32

wednesdayleefriday

Well, then you must have gotten hit on the head because the doctors all agree that I was hit as a child. But, you know, ah it it can be very frustrating while you're trying to work your own shit out.

01:09:28.41

Violet 

yeah Oh, yeah.

01:09:34.47

wednesdayleefriday

to have people in the background just you know that that noise of like well it wasn't as bad as you're saying i think you're exaggerating oh you want everything to be about you oh let's all pay attention to your feelings or you know whatever the fuck and it's like yeah i get that you feel like the asshole now but a that is earned and b it doesn't have to be like that you have a million different ways that you could like take responsibility and make amends you're choosing not to so sorry to get off on a tangent about my own shit but

01:09:45.09

Violet 

Yeah.

01:09:53.48

Violet 

Not my problem.

01:10:01.14

Violet 

Totally.

01:10:03.81

Violet 

No, no, no.

01:10:04.79

wednesdayleefriday

yeah

01:10:05.07

Violet 

And i I totally agree. And it actually reminds me of speaking to, I mentioned that slide deck I made on love bombing. The last page of it, like the second last page is about like, do you think you're being love-bombed?

01:10:20.66

Violet 

question mark These are maybe things you want to consider. And then the very last page is, are you the love bomber?

01:10:30.36

wednesdayleefriday

Yeah.

01:10:30.70

Violet 

Because there's two sides to that coin, right?

01:10:32.04

wednesdayleefriday

Yep.

01:10:32.46

Violet 

There's the receiving, but there's also the realizing that you're the one doing it. And I sat here in this very seat I'm sitting in right now and I sat here and I went,

01:10:44.85

Violet 

I don't want to put that page in. And then I went, why don't I want to do that?

01:10:47.87

wednesdayleefriday

Right.

01:10:49.57

Violet 

And I went, because I know I've done this. I know I've been a love bomber. I literally had spent hours writing list putting this whole thing together and then had to literally look at my own reflection in my goddamn laptop screen and say, you've done that.

01:11:10.55

wednesdayleefriday

Well, and that doesn't necessarily mean that it's sinister or predatory.

01:11:10.63

Violet 

And it's OK that I have.

01:11:17.39

Violet 

Well, exactly.

01:11:17.55

wednesdayleefriday

But yeah, it's it's it's good to be aware of it.

01:11:18.57

Violet 

and that's And that's part of it is that it's not always sinister and it's not always predatory.

01:11:20.41

wednesdayleefriday

But yeah, I mean...

01:11:26.19

Violet 

I know I've love bombed in the past. i I can't think of a time I've done it in a very long time, but I recognize it as a behavior that I have exhibited and I have done. I also know where I learned that behavior.

01:11:41.41

Violet 

So For me, I'm like, yeah, okay, absolutely not ideal that I have made this error in my past and I have potentially hurt people with this. But the only way to not do that again is to know that you did it and make a decision not to do it again.

01:11:56.63

wednesdayleefriday

Mm

01:11:56.72

Violet 

And I had to sit there and it took me a while like I had to sit in the discomfort of OK, if I'm going to publish this, I mean, nobody else has. I mean, now everybody knows because I'm saying it on the podcast, but putting it on Instagram, nobody was going to know that, you know, I was having a crisis of conscience about some situation in my past with some boyfriend when I was 18 or whatever, like whatever it was.

01:12:21.71

wednesdayleefriday

-hmm

01:12:21.59

Violet 

But.

01:12:24.34

Violet 

I still had to do the inventory. Because like when you're faced with those things,

01:12:27.57

wednesdayleefriday

Yep.

01:12:31.56

Violet 

like learning how to look at them and how to take the information in and modulate it in such a way that you are not constantly telling yourself you're a victim and you're not also constantly not telling yourself you're a perpetrator because victims often fear being the perpetrator. The number of times I've asked a therapist, psychiatrist, doctors, if they're sure I'm not a narcissist,

01:12:58.84

wednesdayleefriday

ah

01:13:01.01

Violet 

Are you sure?

01:13:01.45

wednesdayleefriday

We've, we've, we have talked about this on the show like several times because I, I absolutely went through the whole like, okay, I know they say that if you question whether or not you're a narcissist that you can't be one, but I know that.

01:13:02.24

Violet 

Are you very sure? Can can you tell me?

01:13:16.88

Violet 

You can't be one.

01:13:19.87

wednesdayleefriday

I know that. So maybe, exactly.

01:13:20.99

Violet 

So what if I'm just thinking my way around that and I'm actually... Yeah, yeah.

01:13:25.57

wednesdayleefriday

Exactly. And it turns out that is incredibly common among people who are intelligent, who self reflect, and who are constantly striving to be better people.

01:13:30.24

Violet 

Yeah.

01:13:36.92

wednesdayleefriday

So it's actually a great trait to have, even though we're all driving ourselves insane with it.

01:13:41.51

Violet 

Oh, it's so uncomfortable. And it's also, you know, it's, it's when I see myself and I catch myself sometimes going like, Oh God, I'm just like my dad.

01:13:53.10

Violet 

Um, and that is really uncomfortable.

01:13:54.13

wednesdayleefriday

yeah Yeah.

01:13:56.89

Violet 

It doesn't feel good. I don't like that. There's, you know, lots of things about him that, you know, I really didn't like, or we're wrong or bad or challenging. And, you know, so it's not always a nice association to make, but You know, and i I don't know that I would recommend people, you know, define themselves by what they're not, but sometimes you've got to, you know, you've just got to say like, okay, I may have this long list of things, but I'm not a one of those.

01:14:20.35

wednesdayleefriday

Yeah. yeah

01:14:25.75

Violet 

And so I can just let that go. Like I can just go, I'm not being a narcissist for thinking of myself instead of somebody else. I'm not being a narcissist by, you know, choosing what makes me feel safe over what would make someone else feel comfortable.

01:14:41.54

wednesdayleefriday

Mm-hmm. Yep.

01:14:43.10

Violet 

But are we raised to do that?

01:14:43.56

wednesdayleefriday

Yep. Well and when Yeah,

01:14:45.34

Violet 

Absolutely. And as women, are extra, you know, which I think for me is why like coming back to diagnoses where we, before we both tangented twice, um, for me, having a, having a term, having something I could look up in the DSM and understand, uh, was important to me.

01:14:49.27

wednesdayleefriday

yeah

01:14:57.47

wednesdayleefriday

yeah

01:15:09.42

Violet 

it wasn't at all important to me from the point of view of being like a label, like, well, like, you know, like, I'm an agoraphobic, like, I don't walk around telling people that, it's not a badge of honor for me, but it's also not a badge of shame, but it's it's a word, and that word has meaning, and that meaning applies to my life, and knowing those things and having language,

01:15:36.31

Violet 

is so empowering in those spaces.

01:15:37.23

wednesdayleefriday

Yes. Well, a diagnosis is actionable.

01:15:40.22

Violet 

Both, I think, yeah.

01:15:43.24

wednesdayleefriday

that's That's the value in a diagnosis that you say, all right, so we understand what's happening here. Now let's find a solution. And until you know what the actual issue is, even if if that definition changes later or it's it's amended, you know, you have bipolar, but guess what?

01:16:01.08

wednesdayleefriday

You also have PTSD. Oh, well, great. What do I take for that?

01:16:07.06

Violet 

Yeah, totally. I mean, I had to really push my psychiatrist to tell me my list of diagnoses.

01:16:16.56

wednesdayleefriday

yeah

01:16:16.48

Violet 

She really didn't want to talk about it with me. And I, you know, I sort of said like, well, why not? Like, why don't you just tell me? And she sort of went, well, you know, you know, I have some concerns that, you know, that, you know,

01:16:31.15

Violet 

having those terms, you know, you'll overthink it. Basically she was like, you're really neurotic and I don't want you to dig yourself into a hole over this.

01:16:39.67

wednesdayleefriday

So like, you shouldn't read the DSM for the same reason a hypochondriac shouldn't go on WebMD. Like, oh, I, I either have a headache or a brain tumor, but I'm not sure which.

01:16:45.80

Violet 

This is what she was telling me, yes.

01:16:51.47

Violet 

And there's no in between.

01:16:51.65

wednesdayleefriday

um Right?

01:16:53.72

Violet 

Or so my panic disorder tells me.

01:16:55.67

wednesdayleefriday

Right? I either need a nap or a lobotomy. um

01:17:00.07

Violet 

Right? And I don't have time for either. ah But so in the end, she said, OK, like, if you really want to know, she I kind of bullied her into it and.

01:17:13.42

Violet 

It was a longer list than I expected, and I actually kind of found that funny and.

01:17:18.05

wednesdayleefriday

Did you agree with it? Did you agree with everything on the list?

01:17:19.74

Violet 

I i did, I did um at that point, so she was pointing to major depressive disorder, when I'll be.

01:17:28.16

wednesdayleefriday

Okay.

01:17:29.24

Violet 

Uh, generalized anxiety. Yep. For sure. Like social anxiety had really crawled in around the time that I had left that job and kind of had that breakdown. Really was intolerant of, uh, public spaces, crowds, you know, even over promising socially. Like I just didn't have the social battery that I had had before or that I had convinced myself I had before. I don't think it was ever there.

01:17:58.72

Violet 

um She had question marks at ah panic disorder and ago agoraphobia, little question marks after those. So maybe not a fully baked diagnosis, but it did get fully baked ultimately. And she had CPTSD on there. So those all made sense to me. And I was familiar with all of them. Like I knew what she was talking about when she referred to them.

01:18:25.35

Violet 

um

01:18:28.25

Violet 

My question to her was, I had questions about do you think that part of the anxiety or the, because there was also a little bit of a question around OCD. And one of the reasons that she had recommended I stay on Zoloft is that it has something in it that kind of holds your compulsions at bay a little bit.

01:18:51.13

Violet 

And she didn't think it was particularly, uh, prevalent in my situation, but that, that was definitely kind of coming through. And so we had talked a little bit about that. And I had asked if she had any inclinations of ADHD for me, having read about, you know, the fact that, you know, so many women in my generation were never diagnosed, same with autism. Right. And.

01:19:19.05

Violet 

She said, no, absolutely not. Definitely not ADHD. And I was like, oh, interesting. Cause like I've done a bunch of the kind of, you know, that checked some boxes and I check quite a few of those boxes.

01:19:33.09

wednesdayleefriday

Right.

01:19:33.74

Violet 

And she said, no, because the H doesn't apply to you. And I said, uh, more.

01:19:44.36

Violet 

Like I don't get how you're being that specific about that. And she essentially said that she didn't think that I completely possessed the ADHD sort of pattern or recipe because I'm overweight.

01:20:06.48

wednesdayleefriday

oh for fucks sake

01:20:06.91

Violet 

Therefore the hyper end couldn't be, couldn't be accurate.

01:20:12.54

wednesdayleefriday

First of all, it doesn't even present that way in girls.

01:20:14.68

Violet 

I know that's what I said to her.

01:20:15.60

wednesdayleefriday

With girls, it's it is a chatterbox is what they call that. the The girl that talks and talks and talks because her mind is going a thousand miles a minute, which like, that is so 100% me.

01:20:19.79

Violet 

yeah but it

01:20:28.17

wednesdayleefriday

And my mom didn't want me to be tested.

01:20:29.13

Violet 

Yeah.

01:20:30.25

wednesdayleefriday

so But even if they looked in the 70s, I don't know that they would have caught on that that's what was happening. But even if it's just ADD, I mean, the treatment is is largely the same in terms of everything except medication.

01:20:35.85

Violet 

yeah

01:20:43.15

Violet 

Yeah, exactly. And I was just thrown by how she made the leap to like,

01:20:51.98

Violet 

Well, cause she was my psychiatrist. We'd never, we had, and we'd never really talked about my weight. We'd never talked about like the genetics at play or the trauma at play or the eating disorders.

01:20:57.03

wednesdayleefriday

Well, Well, exactly. A statement like that says, yeah, it's absolutely making judgments.

01:21:03.37

Violet 

Like it was wild.

01:21:08.27

wednesdayleefriday

about I mean, because I mean, to my ear, when I hear that, somebody saying you must not have hyperactivity disorder because you're overweight, it's saying that overweight people are lazy, they are slothful, they're self-indulgent, they're probably eating all kind of crap.

01:21:18.81

Violet 

yeah

01:21:22.44

wednesdayleefriday

You know, it that's it's so typical and so false.

01:21:22.71

Violet 

Yeah.

01:21:26.05

wednesdayleefriday

And when a doctor does it, my God, I just want to rage.

01:21:30.18

Violet 

Well, she was quite near to our retirement. In fact, she retired within less than a year after that conversation. Um, so I don't know if she was just kind of, you know, she was kind of checked out already or, you know, she was just older and had, you know, some really,

01:21:50.47

Violet 

inaccurate and sort of staid opinions on things like that. At any rate, it was that one that threw me and I was sort of like, okay, well, I'm grain of salt now, you know, to everything she's ever said to me, kind of.

01:22:03.93

wednesdayleefriday

Right, right.

01:22:04.00

Violet 

So that was fine. And when I went back to my um GP about it, cause she of course was always checking in on how are things with on the mental end and the meds and everything else.

01:22:14.85

Violet 

And so as my psychiatrist retired, the meds had to go back to my GP, so we got much more into these conversations and she's much more involved. And she said, yeah, from what I understand of ADHD, I'm not surprised you check a ton of the boxes, you know do do you but like do you really feel, like do you feel that there's something amiss enough that we need to like reevaluate all your meds? like Are you thinking you need, because there are a gap here that needs filling.

01:22:49.01

Violet 

And I explained that, no, there wasn't. I was just sort of curious about, you know, I had been curious about that opinion about that particular condition because I had read about it and sort of gone like, am I, am I not? I don't know. And then sort of ultimately gone, I'm not really sure I need the diagnosis because I'm not really looking to change anything right now. I was just more curious. And it was that conversation that led us into the conversation about borderline personality disorder.

01:23:17.95

Violet 

And her opinion of my GP was less that she saw me presenting ADHD and more that I was presenting borderline.

01:23:28.60

wednesdayleefriday

ah

01:23:28.66

Violet 

Now, at the time I didn't know much of a borderline at all. And I left that appointment with my heart in my stomach.

01:23:38.38

wednesdayleefriday

Aww, damn.

01:23:42.35

Violet 

I mean, I i didn't know enough about it to

01:23:48.47

Violet 

to not just hear the words at face value. Like it's hard for someone to sit like across from you and tell you you have a disordered personality. Now I know that's not exactly what that means. Like we should be clear about that, but like the impact of that conversation, it was really a hard one for me. It was the first time in all of the mental health sort of journey since 2017 and the medication and all of that, where I had felt like I was up against something that I didn't understand and didn't know if I could overcome or deal with or manage or I didn't even know if what, which one of those things I would be doing. You know, it was just sort of this term that was lobbed out there. And, you know, of course I went away going, obviously I'll look that up and

01:24:41.10

Violet 

Her recommendation was um instead of CBT, trying DBT. And she suggested in groups.

01:24:54.36

Violet 

She was like, oh, this such and such clinic has a DBT group therapy session or like Tuesday nights or whatever.

01:24:55.52

wednesdayleefriday

Oh, wow.

01:25:02.64

Violet 

And I just looked at her and I was like, I don't even go to the grocery store because I don't want to interact with humans.

01:25:09.74

wednesdayleefriday

Yeah. yeah

01:25:12.47

Violet 

Like I don't think I'm going to take this big, heavy term and just walk into a group of strangers with a new kind of therapy and just start talking about my trauma.

01:25:23.79

Violet 

Like not going to happen. And she said, well, okay, that's fair. Fine. If like from a social point of view, if that feels like too much, um, how do you feel about taking a more academic approach, like a workbook reading, writing,

01:25:39.16

Violet 

you know, journaling that sort of thing.

01:25:41.25

wednesdayleefriday

okay there

01:25:41.35

Violet 

Okay, I can do that. I can do that. I can do that. If there's anything I can do, I can express myself with words. So yes, let's try doing that. And you know, DBT made a huge difference.

01:25:52.12

Violet 

It made me glad that I'd had the CBT in the sense that that was good for like getting a few things out and connecting some points.

01:26:03.17

Violet 

But I found that dialectical behavioral therapy

01:26:04.18

wednesdayleefriday

Okay there.

01:26:08.96

Violet 

definitely helped a lot more. It put a lot more, a I felt like it put a lot more control back in my own hands. um And I started to feel less crazy really fast.

01:26:22.16

Violet 

Like I started to feel, um not like I was more in control of my emotions necessarily, but more like it was okay to have a broad range of emotion.

01:26:35.87

wednesdayleefriday

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, more understanding is going to give you more like understanding of yourself.

01:26:37.40

Violet 

You know, because

01:26:42.72

wednesdayleefriday

You know what I mean?

01:26:43.60

Violet 

Yeah, exactly.

01:26:43.81

wednesdayleefriday

Like you're more likely to, you know, because one of the things that can be really difficult to parse is whether you're irrationally angry or, or depressed, or whether you're reacting appropriately to the situation that you are in.

01:26:58.46

Violet 

I literally ask myself those questions every day.

01:26:58.82

wednesdayleefriday

as Well, we kind of have to now, like,

01:27:03.81

Violet 

Small things, big things, like, oh yeah.

01:27:08.60

wednesdayleefriday

Yeah. Cause, uh, on the one hand, maybe I just need a nap and that's why I hate everyone. But on the other hand, if one more person asks me why I don't like Donald Trump as if I'm making up things in my head, I do, you know, like I'm going to lose my shit.

01:27:24.31

Violet 

I'm going to lose it.

01:27:26.32

wednesdayleefriday

Um, so, so if we can get back to like a more fun topic, you're actually starting your own podcast soon.

01:27:27.59

Violet 

yeah

01:27:34.94

Violet 

I am and I'm so excited and ah it's going to be great.

01:27:39.04

wednesdayleefriday

Well, what's it gonna be like?

01:27:42.36

wednesdayleefriday

yeah Well, I assume that.

01:27:45.62

Violet 

It's going to be great. um i' I've landed on a name. Honestly, naming things takes me so long. I get so into like, what does a name mean? What does this mean?

01:27:57.41

Violet 

Like I get very like conceptual sometimes with myself.

01:28:03.44

wednesdayleefriday

see

01:28:03.53

Violet 

So I brought myself back to earth. I'm going to call it curious passions because I'm really interested in talking to people about their curious and unusual passions, particularly as they pertain to sex, sexuality,

01:28:08.86

wednesdayleefriday

Oh, nice, nice.

01:28:18.06

Violet 

sex positivity. I also really, two of the things that I love most about myself and I try to foster most of myself and share the most of myself with others is the fact that I'm passionate about a lot of things. And I really believe in the power of passion. I think it's really important for people to find their passions,

01:28:47.54

Violet 

I think it's okay for your passions to change, but I think it's a really valuable ah part of ourselves to mine. I also think it's really essential to remain curious as much as, you know, there's a part of me that loves to be the smartest person in the room.

01:29:05.08

wednesdayleefriday

Yep.

01:29:07.76

Violet 

I also oh just love learning and I love hearing about other people's experiences and I love having like I mean honestly this conversation has been so resonant and so fulfilling and powerful but that's kind of what I want it's kind of like what we're doing right now like the unpacking the talking about the stuff that's past the stigma that's past the labels that's past the shame Um, and just understanding like why people are interested in the things they're interested in.

01:29:39.64

Violet 

I have a huge list. Um, I have a list of 30 people, 30 different episodes that I've already sort of conceptualized in my mind. And now I have to track down those people and ask them if they'll join me.

01:29:49.38

wednesdayleefriday

Nice.

01:29:51.52

Violet 

But, you know, it's stuff from, you know, uh, sex toy designers that I know to, um, like people who are really doing tons of work in the non-monogamy and polyamory communities and expressing all of that and you know what it takes to move through that information.

01:30:12.39

Violet 

That's such a really challenging and fascinating, but like really challenging area of polyamory in this economy.

01:30:17.00

wednesdayleefriday

Did you hit up Laura DiCarlo?

01:30:23.71

wednesdayleefriday

Well, Laura, Laura DiCarlo had her own sex toy company.

01:30:27.68

Violet 

Oh, different Laura.

01:30:29.47

wednesdayleefriday

Yeah, Laura.

01:30:30.00

Violet 

No, I don't think I know her.

01:30:30.23

wednesdayleefriday

um Well, the thing is she did, ah she designed sex toys that are um designed to give blended orgasms. She's very into that, like. you know, clit to vag connection. And her toy, one her first design, I think it was the Osei, won an award at a a tech convention, a tech convention that had sex things and had, you know, ah real dolls and stuff like that. But they determined after she won an award, that her product was obscene, and they rescinded the award, and there was this whole huge uproar about it.

01:31:04.71

wednesdayleefriday

And then they gave her they gave her the award back it was crazy it was like this whole like scandal in the in the tech world but the thing about laura dicarlo is that even though she made great products and everybody loved her stuff.

01:31:04.73

Violet 

Whoa!

01:31:19.21

wednesdayleefriday

They were not able to stay afloat. like Her company is no more, but as far as I know, she's still designing things and she still holds all of her patents. and i' I have only interviewed her like via email. I've never gotten to to sit and speak with her, but she is a fascinating person.

01:31:38.32

wednesdayleefriday

so

01:31:38.57

Violet 

Yeah, I just wrote her name down.

01:31:40.96

wednesdayleefriday

Yeah, it's L-O-R-A.

01:31:41.85

Violet 

That's great.

01:31:43.14

wednesdayleefriday

I actually did a guest blog for her website a couple years ago, and it was so funny because it was a I wrote her a story about when I was in my 20s, and I was so, so vanilla, and my boyfriend bought me a vibrator as a gift.

01:32:00.07

wednesdayleefriday

And I was in like just a panic about like, well, what does this mean? What does this mean? Is, is he breaking up with me?

01:32:05.57

Violet 

Right.

01:32:06.90

wednesdayleefriday

Is it snide? Like what, what is happening? And I just, you know, because I was as, as a 20 something, I was really vanilla. I was super unsure and I was autistic and didn't know, and I was always a fat kid.

01:32:20.44

wednesdayleefriday

So I was really uncomfortable with my body. And anybody who did show me attention like I do fat fetishes and I didn't even understand like what that was or what was happening so I just thought anybody who was hitting on me was making fun of me so I didn't you know I just didn't.

01:32:23.74

Violet 

Right.

01:32:35.43

Violet 

Right.

01:32:37.76

wednesdayleefriday

ah You know I just didn't.

01:32:40.17

Violet 

You weren't in a place to receive that.

01:32:42.26

wednesdayleefriday

Right. But, but so anyway, so I wrote this whole blog for her and it was, it did really well actually.

01:32:42.97

Violet 

Yeah.

01:32:47.57

wednesdayleefriday

Cause it was so funny. And like, you know, when when you diss yourself in a story, people find it endearing. I don't know why, but, but yeah, bottom line there, Laura DiCarlo, great person to talk to.

01:32:53.80

Violet 

Mm hmm.

01:32:59.41

wednesdayleefriday

And if you're designing sex toys and she's designing sex toys, God damn it, get some funding and make a company. I'm i'm declaring it. That's what you have to do.

01:33:09.98

Violet 

Amazing. That's I yeah, I mean, obviously, I totally missed the memo and all of that was happening.

01:33:11.28

wednesdayleefriday

Right.

01:33:17.01

Violet 

When did all of that go down?

01:33:19.26

wednesdayleefriday

Oh gosh, it was before I got sick. So probably like 2021 because that's when I was writing for, uh, I was doing like a sex tech daily article and that's how I, I followed all of that when that was going on.

01:33:32.87

wednesdayleefriday

It was when, uh, real dolls first got haptic technology. So I was following that too.

01:33:37.01

Violet 

Right.

01:33:39.11

wednesdayleefriday

Like, yeah, these cells are going to be so real soon. They're only going to want to be friends with you fellas. So watch out for that.

01:33:44.31

Violet 

Oh, I saw a headline recently.

01:33:45.02

wednesdayleefriday

I'm just cracking myself.

01:33:48.28

Violet 

I did not read the article because I was like, no, don't need that in my consciousness right now. Um, I mean, I'm sure it was somewhat inflammatory, but it was basically saying like, there's this burgeoning trend of men with the real dolls as well as like AI girlfriends and using them as like just an outlet for rage and abuse, like gaining these artificial girlfriends so they can abuse them.

01:34:21.75

Violet 

I was just like, that's enough internet for today.

01:34:23.05

wednesdayleefriday

you know I mean yeah and honestly I'm torn on that because of course that's terrible that someone would just need but like if that's something you need if you're that angry all the time by all means keep that away from real women and but yeah it is it is a scary concept it really it's like

01:34:25.44

Violet 

Thanks.

01:34:37.62

Violet 

Well, exactly. Yeah.

01:34:41.60

Violet 

Totally. It's a very scary concept.

01:34:45.72

wednesdayleefriday

You know, like the whole debate about should there be sex dolls of children? And you want to say, well, no, of course not. That's fucking disgusting. and But if somebody is walking around free and that's what they want, by all means, take it up with a doll and not a person.

01:34:59.43

Violet 

Yeah.

01:35:01.61

wednesdayleefriday

So.

01:35:01.97

Violet 

Yeah. I mean, the argument there always is though, is that, you know, if there's any escalation in that desire, they'll just move right back to the original goal.

01:35:09.77

wednesdayleefriday

Yeah, I mean, there there are no there are no good answers for that, you know.

01:35:11.10

Violet 

But I mean, no, it will exactly, there's no good answers. And that's, I think that's another sort of side to this world, this industry that we work in, you know, and that there's,

01:35:28.08

Violet 

As much as there's so much exciting, really interesting, fascinating stuff going on and progress being made, there's also, you have to kind of gird your loins, someday pun intended, ah to you know stomach it all.

01:35:39.47

wednesdayleefriday

Yeah. yeah

01:35:42.05

Violet 

You know, there's days it's, you know, like all the stuff with Puff Daddy that's just come out, like that kind of, celebs getting exposed and,

01:35:50.11

wednesdayleefriday

Please, I wasn't even over Neo Gaiman and I gotta know about this, you know? i And i so like I put so much stock in the connection between art and artists that if I love someone's work, not not that I was a big ditty fan, but when I love someone's work and that I find out that they're a monstrous person, it if it impacts me personally.

01:35:54.83

Violet 

yeah.

01:36:01.41

Violet 

Mm-hmm.

01:36:11.45

wednesdayleefriday

like I feel like I've been suckered by them.

01:36:12.21

Violet 

Yeah.

01:36:14.34

wednesdayleefriday

you know, game and JK Rowling, like people like that.

01:36:14.46

Violet 

Yeah, I get that too.

01:36:18.09

wednesdayleefriday

It's like, no, you tricked me into thinking you were a good person. And I'm just as mad at that as I am about the death of Colin Creeby.

01:36:21.70

Violet 

Yeah.

01:36:25.97

Violet 

Right.

01:36:26.32

wednesdayleefriday

You know, like it it all impacts me.

01:36:26.95

Violet 

Totally get it.

01:36:29.00

wednesdayleefriday

So, so on that note, I think that it it really makes what sex writers do that much more important because our best defense against that kind of fuckery is information.

01:36:43.46

Violet 

Yes, absolutely.

01:36:44.18

wednesdayleefriday

It's knowing how things are supposed to be so you can know that it's wrong when they're not that way. So that when you are getting groomed by a 35-year-old man when you're 16, you don't have to wait until you're 28 to realize, hey, wait a minute.

01:36:51.55

Violet 

Yeah.

01:37:00.39

wednesdayleefriday

That's actually not OK. you know We can arm people with the information they need to protect themselves from predators instead of pretending they need to watch out for the drag queens at the library.

01:37:12.00

Violet 

Oh God, don't even get me started.

01:37:12.29

wednesdayleefriday

um

01:37:14.84

wednesdayleefriday

Right, right.

01:37:15.69

Violet 

Whoo.

01:37:16.51

wednesdayleefriday

So we're actually near in the end of the interview. So is there anything that that you want to ask me? Because I do like to give guests that opportunity.

01:37:26.85

Violet 

Absolutely. I think my question, I feel like I'm maybe kind of know an answer, but I'm interested in the specifics. It's like this stuff is hard sometimes, right?

01:37:39.70

wednesdayleefriday

Mm hmm.

01:37:39.59

Violet 

and You know, you've described, you know, several personal challenges, you know, that make, that take up space in your world already, right? Like neurodivergence, illness, all kinds of things, right? Like we've only got so much room in, in our noggins for all of it. So for you, what keeps you coming back to this material and keeps you coming back to this world?

01:38:07.52

Violet 

Cause I know for myself, I've certainly had many moments of going like, Oh, maybe I'm just done. Maybe, maybe I just couldn't can't or shouldn't or won't anymore. And inevitably I always come back to like, I can't stop. ah Even when I want to stop, I feel like I can't and I have a hard time articulating what exactly that compulsion is. And I'm curious if you have a similar compulsion of feeling like you know, like calling it a calling might be a little bit romanticized, but like what keeps you getting up every day and doing this?

01:38:40.94

wednesdayleefriday

You know what?

01:38:43.71

Violet 

Cause it's hard work. It's really hard.

01:38:47.44

wednesdayleefriday

i Once I've gotten the herdle past the hurdle of convincing myself to remain alive, um the work is just but like, that's what I'm here for. I'm here to to do the work. So yeah, there there is that certainly um that what What am I even here for if I'm not doing the work? like What is the purpose of of me? So I do think that, but um the the bottom line, and and people are going to hate this when I say it, but I don't have within myself the will to remain alive. I don't have it.

01:39:27.02

wednesdayleefriday

like i At any point, if if you know there was a deity and they said, like this is it for you, you're going to go to bed tomorrow and you're not going to wake up, I would think about like what I was going to order for my last meal.

01:39:38.77

wednesdayleefriday

It wouldn't be like a panicked, like oh my God, I got to do all these things.

01:39:39.54

Violet 

Right.

01:39:43.31

wednesdayleefriday

I have a bucket list, but whatever. um

01:39:46.50

Violet 

Right.

01:39:46.75

wednesdayleefriday

You know, if I don't ever really get to eat a full English breakfast, I'll probably be okay. Cause I've seen lots of videos about it, but the thing is, honestly, 100% I stay alive because I've got a man and he's good to me and it would hurt him if I left him.

01:40:03.64

wednesdayleefriday

And I found that out for sure two years ago, because when I got COVID the, uh, the regular, like.

01:40:03.69

Violet 

and

01:40:12.38

wednesdayleefriday

respiratory symptoms went away, but I was so in pain and, and like physical pain, but also just black hearted depression that didn't go away and didn't go away. And I wasn't eating, but I was taking medication as if I was. So it all just compounded and compounded and compounded. And by the time I was actually passed out and he called an ambulance and they were like working on me and whatever. And, you know, I, I told him to get out.

01:40:41.97

wednesdayleefriday

I told them to leave my fucking home and leave me alone and that I wasn't going to the hospital.

01:40:45.13

Violet 

Mm hmm.

01:40:45.79

wednesdayleefriday

And they're like, ma'am, if, if you, if you don't, if you can't get your blood sugar up, cause it was like 33 at that point. So that if you can't get your blood sugar up, you're going to slip into a coma and die.

01:40:57.74

wednesdayleefriday

And I was like, I heard you get the fuck out of here. And, uh.

01:41:01.63

Violet 

Right.

01:41:03.16

wednesdayleefriday

Yeah, i I made my husband cry and he's a good man. He doesn't deserve that. And that is something that I had said to other people, but I had never said it to myself, which is that if you want people to love you, you have a responsibility to not hurt yourself in front of them.

01:41:22.03

wednesdayleefriday

That's a thing.

01:41:22.26

Violet 

Yeah.

01:41:23.17

wednesdayleefriday

So I wasn't doing that.

01:41:23.37

Violet 

Yeah.

01:41:24.96

wednesdayleefriday

The only wedding vow I took to my husband was that I would try every day to be the best wife that I could be. to be the wife that he deserved. And goddamn did I drop the ball on that. But that's what I learned. I learned that ah I have a reason to stay alive, and it's that guy. And as long as I am alive, there's some stuff that I should be getting done. So I try to

01:41:50.38

Violet 

Mm

01:41:50.81

wednesdayleefriday

you know, do the work that I'd like, even my horror work, you know, not just the sex writing, all of it has messages, all of it has themes, there are reasons to read all of those stories, because they'll make you think about shit.

01:41:56.28

Violet 

hmm. Mm hmm.

01:42:03.11

wednesdayleefriday

And, you know, that's, that's my purpose, because I didn't have any kids, I can't even have a cat right now, JD Vance would be horrified. um Like, do you even exist? No kids and no cats?

01:42:14.24

wednesdayleefriday

My hair's not even blue anymore. um But, But yeah, I did I answer your question? no

01:42:22.26

Violet 

Yeah, yeah, I think so. And I mean, I get that. I really get that. I mean, it's.

01:42:31.25

Violet 

And I also understand why you said, oh, people hate me for saying this.

01:42:35.74

wednesdayleefriday

Well, I'm never you're you're never supposed to say that your reason for living comes from any other person.

01:42:35.88

Violet 

But.

01:42:40.02

wednesdayleefriday

But certainly when a woman is saying it about a man, there are so many societal implications of all that.

01:42:43.92

Violet 

Yeah. Yeah, but that's not what you're saying. That isn't what you're saying.

01:42:48.35

wednesdayleefriday

No.

01:42:50.20

Violet 

You know, it's. Yeah, and I definitely hear that. i I feel like I relate in the sense that there was definitely sort of a tipping point and in my experience too, where I had to finally just have the sobering and non-self-indulgent conversation with myself, that if I did,

01:43:18.26

Violet 

exit stage right off this mortal coil. Sure, maybe I'm on to better and greater things, but I'm leaving behind a lot of people that, you know, would be really affected by that.

01:43:32.11

Violet 

And not to say the whole world will weep for me, but like, you know, I have people in my life that care about me and I don't want to do that.

01:43:37.34

wednesdayleefriday

and people that would take it personally.

01:43:39.97

Violet 

Yeah, people who would feel they had maybe failed me or people, you know, all kinds of things that I wouldn't be here to correct and and say, no, no, no, that's not how it works. You know, so I totally get it. I totally get that. And, and honestly, I really believe like, I don't know, whatever keeps the lights on, right? Like, if that's, if that's your reason, that's your reason. And if one day it's no longer your reason, that's your choice too. Right? It's,

01:44:15.28

Violet 

It doesn't all have to be perfect to be good.

01:44:18.03

wednesdayleefriday

Yep, that, yeah, I mean, I wholeheartedly agree. And that is why it is time for the Mad Lib because it is my favorite.

01:44:24.88

Violet 

Ooh, I...

01:44:26.65

wednesdayleefriday

It's my, well, I guess, I don't know if it's my favorite part of the show.

01:44:28.74

Violet 

Mm-mm.

01:44:29.47

wednesdayleefriday

Cause we do the horror movie question at the beginning, but I love Mad Libs. I actually need to reach out to Mad Libs. Cause I realized a couple of weeks ago, we had someone on the show who used they, them ah pronouns and Mad Libs not really caught up with that yet.

01:44:43.71

Violet 

Oh, haven't caught up.

01:44:45.27

wednesdayleefriday

They're, they're still. still pretty binary there so uh see the thing is i i need to contact them and talk to them about it but i also don't know if it's legal for me to do mad libs on my show so i might end up getting busted for being an ally and that won't be fair no i'm using an actual mad lib book here so yeah all right and

01:44:48.93

Violet 

That's interesting.

01:44:59.85

Violet 

Well, I mean, maybe just start calling them radlibs or something and...

01:45:08.54

Violet 

Oh. Well, don't tell them that.

01:45:11.75

wednesdayleefriday

And on that note, I need one, two, three, four, five, edge six adjectives. My goodness, that's a lot.

01:45:20.67

Violet 

Oh, that's a lot of describing.

01:45:23.16

wednesdayleefriday

Right.

01:45:23.46

Violet 

Um, okay. How about loud, sparkly, wet, cavernous, rigid, smooth.

01:45:41.06

Violet 

Was that six or five?

01:45:44.15

wednesdayleefriday

I think that's all of them.

01:45:45.66

Violet 

Was that six? Okay.

01:45:48.38

wednesdayleefriday

All right. So now I need adverbs. I need one, two, three adverbs.

01:45:58.35

Violet 

Uh, running? Oh geez, am I getting my adverbs right or wrong? Just tell me.

01:46:03.67

wednesdayleefriday

Well, adverbs are the ones that ended like L Y.

01:46:04.00

Violet 

I'll be embarrassed. It's okay.

01:46:09.58

Violet 

L the L Y is not the I N Gs. See, I had, it was one or the other.

01:46:11.75

wednesdayleefriday

Right, yeah, that those are gerunds.

01:46:14.87

Violet 

Right. Oh, gerunds. Yes. Okay. Sorry. So, uh, quickly.

01:46:25.93

Violet 

How many of these do we need? Three or four?

01:46:27.77

wednesdayleefriday

Three, I think.

01:46:28.58

Violet 

Three. um So, quickly.

01:46:36.57

Violet 

Hotly. A very unused word.

01:46:39.48

wednesdayleefriday

Okay. but

01:46:40.72

Violet 

and i Oh wow, why is this so hard?

01:46:50.13

wednesdayleefriday

because you're smart and you want to use good words, you feel in the pressure.

01:46:50.27

Violet 

um I know, that's really what it is. I should just do something easy. love you

01:46:59.73

wednesdayleefriday

Yeah, it's always hardest for writers to do mad libs because they feel pressure to use good words.

01:47:02.64

Violet 

Right? Yeah, it's totally it.

01:47:04.29

wednesdayleefriday

But you know, I cut out the long pauses in post, so it's cool.

01:47:07.21

Violet 

Okay, good. Because there's gonna be a few. um Quickly, hotly, and surreptitiously. Or is that an adjective?

01:47:19.49

wednesdayleefriday

Well, I'll say it's both. I took the time to spell it, so I'm using it. Okay, we need some nouns. One, two, three, four, five singular nouns.

01:47:30.90

Violet 

uh singular nouns apple um hawaii plant

01:47:46.64

Violet 

and pumpkin two more singular nouns oh um let's have a cat

01:47:50.66

wednesdayleefriday

One more. Nope, two more. Yep.

01:48:01.91

Violet 

And a vampire.

01:48:06.65

wednesdayleefriday

All right, somehow I need one more adverb.

01:48:10.39

Violet 

Oh, um, sweetly.

01:48:15.40

wednesdayleefriday

All right, I need a number.

01:48:18.10

Violet 

Uh, seven.

01:48:24.83

wednesdayleefriday

and a part of the body plural.

01:48:29.77

Violet 

Fingers.

01:48:34.02

wednesdayleefriday

All right, actually, wait, I need one more plural noun, but I actually just wrote bats because I saw a bat outside and it's a weird time of day for that. So it's probably auspicious somehow.

01:48:42.94

Violet 

I'm totally into bats, and I almost said bat instead of cat. So let's let's go with this.

01:48:47.54

wednesdayleefriday

All right, well, that works. Okay, cool. So this is called light as a feather. Oh, come on microphone. My microphone keeps falling down. You were cost $14. How are you doing that? um All right. Another loud sleepover game is sparkly as a feather cavernous as a board.

01:49:11.19

Violet 

Okay.

01:49:13.29

wednesdayleefriday

You'll need a wet volunteer to lie down on the apple with her bats closed and her fingers folded across her chest. Tell her to breathe quickly and remain rigid and relaxed.

01:49:29.27

Violet 

Richard and relax, you say.

01:49:29.63

wednesdayleefriday

Then, right? Then, gather in a circle around her placing seven fingers underneath her Hawaii as you repeat the phrase, light as a plant, stiff as a pumpkin.

01:49:45.21

wednesdayleefriday

On the count of three, hotly lift her off the cat and raise her to the vampire. Then lower her down sweetly. Your, uh, sir. Wait. Okay. Damn it. Anyway, you'll be ah completely amazed at this smooth feet.

01:50:09.26

Violet 

Oh, that was something.

01:50:13.20

wednesdayleefriday

Well, older women and pajama parties. Come on now. That's, that's a mad lib for the ages for sure.

01:50:18.55

Violet 

Yes, absolutely.

01:50:20.69

wednesdayleefriday

because ah those those weren't and and up to the vampire.

01:50:20.95

Violet 

Lift her off the cat and raise her to the vampire.

01:50:26.57

wednesdayleefriday

Awesome. Violet, I am so glad that you could be here and that we could have this conversation. It was so much fun.

01:50:32.30

Violet 

It really was. I had the best time. I i appreciate you so much for this. Thank you.

01:50:37.22

wednesdayleefriday

Right on. So, hey, we will see everybody next week because that's what we do. Be sure to find us on Ko-fi and give us money because this ain't cheap. Bye, everyone.